


The Cold Song

by lachowskii



Series: The Trilogy [3]
Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Celebrities & Real People - Fandom, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BDSM, Centric, Drama, F/M, Gen, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Masturbation, Multi, POV First Person, Sexual Content, Smut, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:26:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachowskii/pseuds/lachowskii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A compilation fic of Seth dealing with future commitment, fatherhood and a desire to see where he stands. Seth joins a specific club and develops a stronger desire for the dynamics to support his specific needs. Although he didn't develop these feelings out the blue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Of course, I don't Seth Macfarlane I just own the concept and all original characters. I don't know him personally nor have I ever met the man.
> 
> Comment if you desire. Enjoy.  
>  **Since my account is no longer going to be active and this is my final decision as of April 2017. I've given up on writing and sharing content online.**
> 
> **I strongly wanted to continue more for this but I think I lost more concepts or scenarios to finish so I think it's best to leave this to ideation. Please note, none of my fics reflect Seth in any way. He was always a mere add-on for which all my fics and concepts were made months before I decided to include him in them and put them on the internet. I don't write anything fantasy-like I always enjoyed trying to make them blatant and realistic as possible.**
> 
> **Thank you to anyone who has read my fics as well. Thank you it will always be greatly appreciated.**

So is this what you want?

Enrichment, fulfilling the levels of something you can’t ask someone at home. Right by your side, you’d rather go out in the dark selfless night and give into something you’re not sure you might enjoy. Yet, the advances have taken its chance to bring you here. 

Seth, he was reeling into his own oblivion. Deep breaths, stares, and possible doubt. He wasn’t going to punch himself for rolling up to this place. The brick building, up the street way behind some pet clinic and a church. He knew these type of events had to be in places that would seem normal when you drove past. 

He wasn’t afraid, he knew most about what he was getting into. The only alarming thing he might face today is how well these other members will catch on to him. He remembers he must turn his phone off, sit here until he’s bored enough to go back home for a drink.

 _What type of event like this doesn’t let a man have a drink?_ He thought to himself. Going through this shit sober. 

Walking down the long hallway and meeting the elevator. He got the eerie feeling crippling him that this was going to be a mistake. Was he even knowledgeable, although he was he’s scared he wasn’t sure if he knew enough.

He even started to look down, at his converse, his jeans, his typical plain white t shirt. Was he suppose to wear leather? Something with a bunch of chains or something tight? Did this make him stand out, look like some type of square. Maybe that note pad and pen in his back pocket should stay there. 

Honestly, what was it about a group of people discussing their roles in BDSM started to make Seth feel odd. Nothing really, the fact his own truth is he’s here to see which role will captivate him and unleash his own desires. No one was going to judge instead they welcomed him with open arms.

“We do have a new member joining us today. He’s right on time.” The woman, the throne like chair, she spoke easily on time as he walked in. Her cat eyes viewing him, nodding for him to take a seat to the chair that is lit and obvious for him.

No one viewed behind them to make him feel uncomfortable. The chair, in the the third row that was four seats down from some people covered in all black latex. It’s lit up in red, like Seth was in some some sexy seductive spotlight. 

This place, the sacred sanctuary, where people of the same likes in domination and bondage can meet. Some of these faces come every week for conferences, tell stories and perhaps for sexual purposes. Sharing their bodies and watching others.  
Seth wasn’t following the healthiest terms of rules at one time. A while ago he resorted to kink in the bedroom and it ended up becoming something he thought he did wrong. No telling when the spark lit back up again, when everything else fails and we fall back on our knees willingly to do anything to drive our sexualities up the wall.

Seth isn’t quite there yet. He’s too wild eyed about the woman who’s obviously the teacher or director. He never saw any specific name in the pamphlet. 

Regretting not taking his time to do his homework, they spoke about items, toys but most importantly the rules and consent.

 _Mutual consent. Safety. Power exchanges._ Even more for Seth to grasp and so he doesn’t fuck up and get stripes taken away from him.

That’s is about as basic as you can get.

_No touching unless given permission._

_Some might express themselves non-heterosexual, non-cissexual, non-monogamous and generally the not inside the box sexuality in various ways. Respect one another, regardless._

Also being reminded about humiliation if you walk past rooms with people in unusual or non typical positions or situations. Maybe some things Seth isn’t sure how he’d react to them.

Yet, his uneased and more descriptive discussion of them all was sobriety. 

_Don’t show up to the party high or drunk and we definitely do not contain or accept alcohol while we’re here. ___

__She was very stern about it not being socially acceptable to hang around in this type of event and being smashed. Yet, Seth and his stupid diehard need to embarrass himself asking the dumbest question._ _

__“Excuse me, Miss.”_ _

__Her eyes darting to him, in her mid sentence, while she stared back at him._ _

__“My name is Amy. You can address me as Amy.”_ _

__“I’m sorry, Amy, is there by any chance not even small cocktails are available” He said, claiming a few events he had been to in the past had alcohol._ _

__“Are you implying you cannot have any type of fun unless it contains alcohol.”_ _

__She was asking such a rhetorical question, this is Seth Macfarlane we’re talking about here._ _

__“Oh, well I was just asking.” He was getting beside himself and it’ only the first day._ _

__“What Seth has asked today is a perfect time for me to further explain the reason we don’t do alcohol here or in any area of the sacred sanctuaries.”_ _

__He swallowed and knowing he;s going to get served._ _

___I should’ve just stay quiet._ He said to himself._ _

__“Any party that does these events with alcohol do not care about your safety or their own. I prefer we get bombed on endorphins not by alcohol. There’s no fun to do things that should remain in a sober environment with temptation of regret in a glass.”_ _

__Well put, the rest of the members nodded in agreement. Totally on board._ _

__Basically there isn’t any fun at a BDSM party to get wasted. Since deliberate intentional and explicit consent doesn’t work well with alcohol. Seth understood it, fully._ _

__After she batted her eyes and continued while Seth focused on her both capability being well in the leadership with both domination and submission. It was already a turn on for him. Her eyes, smoky and dark, bedroom eyes._ _

__Then when she asked was it anything any specifically wanted to learn she would look at Seth out of all people. Making him feel not so innocent but he didn’t get nervous but dismissed the advance._ _

__“How about some knots?” A girl said, she was quite young looking too. Seth turned to her, sitting few rows back as she was talking about her experience with not doing knots very well with rope. The girl wearing cork size plugs in her earlobes and holding her girlfriend’s hand. It was dashingly cute as they smiled radiantly. In all ease under the circumstances Seth was envying them._ _

__“Alright.” Amy said. She was writing knots down on her note pad. “Anything else?”_ _

__There was nothing but silence. Guess no one really needed to know anything else but Seth was looking around and rubbing his legs thinking was this it? Was it over?_ _

__“Well enough of me boring you all to death. I know you guys want to have fun, explore your minds and exhilarate beyond your limits.”_ _

__A few people whispered _’yes’_ when she stated this and a blonde sitting next to Seth was squeezing her date’s knee. Wondering if they were going to start something right next to him._ _

__He was strangely more uncomfortable than he expected to be. Although the gesture of the couple touching each other, kissing, loosened him up to some psychotic degree. He laughed in his own hand, to himself, like a small uncontrollable giggle that he was even here and actually doing this. Yet, most people are used to it, it shall fit into his everyday hopefully and soon to pass._ _

__Amy stepped down to Seth specifically with a nice book, black and engraved with gold designs and the words ‘The Sacred Guide’ was given to him._ _

__“Welcome to the sacred sanctuary Seth.” A nice peck on his cheek and he smelled her scent of roses and it’s such an intense sweet smell._ _

__Everyone smiling, some did know who he was but like the information stated when he got there. He’d be surprise how many celebrities they’ve seen come to their gathering and it’s not the first time._ _

__It was still quiet while he was preaching about the sadists and masochists without having to open up his book. “So a masochist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others and a sadist enjoys being the recipient of pain.”_ _

__“White boy got it all wrong back there.” Said a black man sitting in the front with his sunglasses on. Seth is puzzled._ _

__“It’s okay. It’s okay, most of the time we’ve all misguided the positions.”_ _

__“Sorry, I’m a little rusty.” Seth said, clutching his book and it seems he’s going to need it._ _

__“If you’re serious about BDSM, then you’ll read what’s given to you. Let it empower you, enrich you and find your place.”_ _

__“What do you mean my place?” Seth asked. Unknowing what that was suppose to mean but it didn’t take Amy long to know his purpose for joining. She had a sense about it._ _

__“Does anyone smell anything burning?” Said that young girl with with the girlfriend who was sniffing her nose is the air. Wondering until some guy ran to the table in the back where a few books caught flame from a tipped over candle._ _

__He laughed and so did mostly everyone else as they stood up witness him putting it out and thought how funny that would’ve been if it escalated._ _

__Another reason Seth is feeling uneasy by these people but he did laugh himself in realization. An image of his blackened corpse lying in the dark place of sex toys and flavored lubricants. He was smiling, laughing with the others. In his head, he sensed the estranged bonding he was having with everyone._ _

__Yet the comfort, it’s short lived, since Amy is now playing a DVD for everyone and they all return back to their assigned seats._ _

__“Sex and Submission: The Slaves in the Haze” which happened to be some classic adult film with a few people whispering about it. Also, available for purchase after the workshop._ _

__There were women, three of them and they were all catching Seth’s eye. In their corsets and being force to take them off. It went by pretty quickly, with another woman standing amongst them holding a long whip._ _

__This was getting to be too much already. Seeing them shackled soon after, soft play, begging and screaming with pleasure and pain._ _

__Seth doesn’t recall being squeamish by nature in any way. Yet, he starts to panic. While his heart is thumping and each breath is demanding more and more air than the last. Now he realized was the point of dark bars when you go out on a date was so no one can witness your heavy panic attacks?_ _

__He thought it was like going to prom all over again. It was his first date he ever had, no after prom with his class, just a movie with his dare and not enjoying himself but trying to mentally survive during each moment. Nerves getting the best of him._ _

__Not sure why Amy was fast forwarding, it was a whole new scene. Different people and everything. This time the person dominating was a man, shirtless and black suit pants it seemed, with the dress shoes too._ _

__Katie Morgan, the famous porn star for her quirky moans, child like voice and cute vibrant self. Seth sees her, in this video, hung by her hands in some like warehouse. A pair of japanese style clamps, on her nipples, those bull nosed clamps Seth has sure seen before._ _

__Yet a different view he has never seen before. Her mouth being opened by a metal gag. How her juices, saliva from her mouth ran down her body mostly. Nothing was more beautiful than the eyes of submission. The part take on her not being in her usual pornstar element._ _

__While the man was flogging her vagina lightly and with some glass like dildo in his other hand. While he eased it inside her Katie stated a word, ‘red’ but it wasn’t very coherent. She shook her head, like she was stating _no_. Vigorously. Then he lowered her down and take the gag from out of her mouth and ask her a few questions. _ _

___Are you okay?”_ _ _

___Do you need anything?_ _ _

___Do you want me to continue?_ _ _

__His questions, his sincerity, his genuine curiosity. The caress of his hands in her hair, how his demeanor turned soft and making sure was she okay to continue. She was just uptight about all of it happening at once and that's when the dom’s demeanor went back to what it was in the beginning and darting eyes at Katie to not safe word again._ _

__Although, it’s just part of the play it was the _‘don’t let it happen again’_ type of attitude coming off of him. _ _

__While a guy in front of him was hugging his girl and this act of casual tenderness in the face stuck Seth as frightening sexual play. It’s not that he hasn't’ been here before, maybe he took a longer break than usual and can’t adjust right._ _

__Yes Seth had a fiancée but he hadn’t been sexual with her in some time. Even a slight touch of anything rough in typical vanilla sex, was always her implying, she wasn’t into anything where he’d be forceful in the bedroom._ _

__Although, Seth’s true reason being here didn’t have much to do with his not so great sex life at home. He didn’t believe so._ _

__The movie is being paused and Amy wanted everyone’s attention._ _

__“I wanted to show that certain scene. Can anyone explain why it’s important to stop at all times when the safe word is being used?”_ _

__“Well, firstly you respect the person’s decision to safe word.” Said someone in the back._ _

__“Correct, any other reasons?”_ _

__“Since it’s always necessary to make sure that person is okay and you must break out of character and focus on what your submissive needs. Put their needs before yours especially when a safe word is used.” The black guy with shades on stated, in the front._ _

__They all gave out good reasons. The well being of your submissive and even dominator matters. Always._ _

__Yet, after another discussion everyone were scattering. Even down the red lit hallway there were already tons of people back there. Tonight, Seth was thinking if he’d venture into to the play rooms tonight._ _

__Itching for something, something to do and not be left off in the corner somewhere alone. He helped himself to the loaded tables of food but definitely needed a bottle of water to cool him off._ _

__“Hi, Seth. Enjoying yourself yet?”_ _

__He bobbed his head yes because he wasn’t done sucking away at his water bottle. Watching the young woman in her full black latex bodysuit._ _

__“Yeah, yeah it’s very different. I must say.”_ _

__“Don’t feel off about it here. Majority of us are regulars, we observe and we all get along.”_ _

__“That’s good to know.” He smiled wildly, not so amazed like she was._ _

__“So what is it and the uptight demeanor you got going on over here.”_ _

__“Oh, I’m fine just observing myself.”_ _

__“Nervous?”_ _

__She said, implying his shaking hands and unusual attitude through the past few hours were very obvious to his actions and how he looks._ _

__“I’m not nervous, just haven’t been in this type of setting for a long time.”_ _

__“The current generation scares an old guy like you?” She leaned passed him grabbing a strawberry passing it through her lips biting seductively. “Don’t worry, I’m joking. You’re very attractive in person.” She winked and asked again. “So do you have a certain role here?”_ _

__“Role? I’m not sure if I’m looking anymore. I did the domination thing some time ago.”_ _

__“I respect a man that doesn’t just categorize themselves as dominants, especially when they seem so unsure like yourself.”_ _

__“How so?”_ _

__“Men, they want to be the dominant but some don’t know how to dominate.”_ _

__Seth eyes falling, her felt the intensity of the words alone. Made him feel some type of way._ _

__“My name’s Lexi. In case I see you next time, you can always party with me. Since no one owns me and I’m sure no one owns you except your fiancee.”_ _

__Seth, didn’t know how to handle a beautiful woman so bluntly claiming he looked remotely appealing with her eyes sexualy inviting him in. Craving even if she knows he’s taken._ _

__“I do want to say, I came by to tell you that I can show you some of the rooms. You can watch a few acts with me sometime. But the door, to your left, will guide you to Amy. She wants to meet with you.”_ _

__Her smile, red bright lips and killing him with her tight body. Seth wasn’t over the appeal of attractive women, everywhere and in reach but this was his point. Possibly engage in things without the need of touching or penetration. But he could be fooling himself._ _

__After the last stip of water, a toss in the trashcan then he’d walk through the black door. To see two men standing there and nodding that his request to go in is already granted._ _

__The red light again, glaring the room and putting him in this eerie, out-of-place type of aura around him. These lights, reminded him of his past take on BDSM clubs, all you can see is everyone in the dimmed colored lights, hearing moans and grunts and everything moves slow. Like time was very still._ _

__How he walked and felt dizzy even though he had nothing harsh to drink at all. Swallowed nervously and why did he feel like he’s in a spotlight when it’s just the two of them in the room._ _

__“You being a celebrity, coming here, you’ll hold some liability you know know that right?” She stated, cigarette lit past her lavender lips. Her glossy skin, freckled a bit on her shoulders and her chest. Her eyes again, daringly meeting his._ _

__“Yes, I’m sure you won’t have to worry about any drama coming from me.”_ _

__“You have a fiancée, that’s enough to make a scene. Enough for her to come here and ask me a million and one annoying questions.”_ _

__“I understand.”_ _

__“Any real passions or plans you happen to get out of the sacred sanctuary.”_ _

__“May I ask a question?”_ _

__Hopefully it wasn’t going to be one resulting to him being put in his place like earlier._ _

__She nodded, so he could continue._ _

__“What is this sacred sanctuary, you speak of?”_ _

__“It’s anywhere you’d like it to be. With anyone you choose to go there with. Sacred, means to definitely keep it between you and someone else. Someone special. Your fiancee, she isn’t into to this type of thing?”_ _

__Seth didn’t want to get into the conversation about his fiancee, Alex._ _

__“She’s not aware of where I’m at right now. No, I don’t believe she’d ever be in this type of thing.”_ _

__Amy’s eyebrows rising, boldly the man, who wants to marry someone is resulting to coming here without her knowledge._ _

__“Well, we don’t judge here. I don’t care what you do behind her back but as long as you don’t bring any drama here. Make sure you keep it safe, your tests come back clean and you get updated and keep them in your wallet.”_ _

__“Anything else?”_ _

__“Well, make sure you provide not only your tests and but your other sexual associate as well. We feel it’s a way to respect one another.”_ _

__“Alright, I can do that.” He said._ _

__“You’re always welcome Seth and experience as you may.”_ _

__Her inviting smile, soft hands touching his to make his welcome more desirable._ _

__“I hope you’re looking for something very soon and that you come back. I’d love to have you under my wing. Perhaps, embrace you to some things.”_ _

__“Making a pass at me Amy?” His voice lowered, asking with such that deep sonorous tone comes straight from his throat. Even she didn’t know how startling and exciting his voice could be, definitely in person._ _

__“Is attraction not evident with creative visualizations.” She said winking, looking at him up and down perhaps wondering what he’d be like if he had any fetishes, an all black look would look dangerously appealing on him. “Then yes, I am making a pass at you.”_ _

__She reach for a pen, with her writing on a card, that she insist he remembers this in his head and throws the card away once he makes it outside the door. She wanted to save his ass in case his fiancee sees it._ _

__“You’re welcome to stay longer but this is the time and date we meet up again. I’d love to see you come back. You can have a lot of fun here.”_ _

__The honed craft of domination or submission was a spark for him. So much to learn, to take place and ramble to himself if he was making a mistake. Nothing wrong with engaging and not actually taking part in anything with anyone. Yet he knew it might be impossible for him._ _

__“You don’t go and participate with all the other members?”_ _

__“No actually, my people usually only come to me.” She winked._ _

__Smiling, after some semi dark elusive sensual excitement because he knew what that meant. Bothered by his liking, agonizing the surge of pleasure he needed but he could only say goodbye to a few people and go home._ _

__Near four in the morning, the sound of his gates opening when he finally gets home was heaven. The rush, the need to grab his bottle of scotch and a glass because he’s been too long without a drink._ _

__The kitchen light cuts on and Alex stands there closing her robe and wondering where the hell has he been._ _

__“You’re home mighty late Seth. Hayley was asking about you, again.”_ _

__Another night, he’s been out and not there. So he’s getting a speech about not putting his daughter to bed, reading bed time stories and such._ _

__Looking pretty dumbfounded, just barely got a taste of the drink on his tongue before she came questioning him._ _

__“I told you, I started a project requires some late night research.” He said, lying._ _

__“Research? Like what after midnight?”_ _

__“Alex, please.” He said, blowing his breath and scrunching up his face not wanting to hear her complain._ _

__His hand pulling her black hair behind her ears, a kiss very deep on the lips to make up for him going out. Her cold lips, her doubtful brown eyes and really doesn’t want anything from him right now._ _

__“I’ll be up in a minute. You go back to sleep.” He insisted._ _

__That card, he pulled out of his pocket. Viewing his next decision. If he’s going to go on and have a sexual endpoint to exercise his new needs. His only decision in secret, if it’s going to be pointless in pleasure or for pain._ _


	2. Appeal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth doesn't make a new discovery but discovers himself instead.

Seth had his faults, memories he didn’t want to claim anymore. He didn’t do himself justice, like he’s doing now. 

_Shake it off_ , he thought. The book, the sacred guide, he was reading all week but chose to look at some films. Alex, was off to take Hayley to school, he should be cleaning her breakfast bowls and he’s stuck in his room with porn on in the early morning. Besides that not showing major interest to him he took out his book to study.

Within the book, scrolling past the obvious he already knows. Or he think that he’s knowledgeable in, the courses following some unique stories but all for the sake fantasy. Fiction, ideas, secrets and personal stories. It all seemed to be the most interesting. 

You can take it all in, the meaning of why they love it. Who they want it with, or the first time they tried any level of kink. 

The voyeurism is what Seth wants out of his next visits in the future. Even if he’s contemplating if he’ll return.

Up close and personal, he’s been to secret parties before. The typical room where sex was an instant thing they took part in and no one watching. Everyone was engaging in sexual activity. 

A past memory, West Hollywood, a director he was friends with insisted the party was tons of beautiful women. You can have your choice with whoever. Then, at that time, Seth wasn’t so sure about his appearance and not too famous like he was now. Recognizable at every corner or anywhere he turned , he lingers on the thought when celebrity life was calm.

Only weird thing about his memory was that he knew 10% of the people in the room. Made the experience more weird when he thought of it. Not much to take in, or observe, how someone moaned in a weird position. How you could be screwing one woman while another was sitting next to you touching herself. 

Seth was older, understanding and not so in a rush. He hoped at the club it wasn’t anything like that scene. The smell of incense, strongly to forget everyone’s else bodily smells. The food, the wine, the setting and tons of condoms and lube like it was candy.

He was glad that some of those people weren’t so uptight about lingering and chattering on the subject that sex should be a private thing. People would openly touch each other, that was a clue that they wanted you. A signal or so, for everyone to usually get in the mood at the same time because you had no choice.

Group sex was so inducing his state of mind on touching, watching, the blur of faces and mouths screaming vocabulary of dirty words constantly. No one held limits, some people joined another couple, and he remember it being just a two bedroom apartment.  
It wasn’t his one and only time to experience orgies but it come in sinful waves to his remembrance. Getting tired of meaningless sex and seeing people he knew too regularly naked and even if he was extremely open minded. He wanted to face the fact, everyone in Hollywood has done it at least once.

His thought now, haven’t watched people get it on in a while he thinks what the BDSM setting would be. Extremely different but how so? 

Would he enjoy the overtones, the fetish and wildly anticipation flowing through everyone’s eyes. Watching people literally come undone with no shame. You’re instantly in the back, you get access to everything wildly, maybe disturbing and wicked things happening. 

If he goes back, that’s what he’s in for but he’s considering the challenge. That’s all he could think of, trying to go back in the sacred sanctuary and actually watch some acts in the flesh. So he’d sit here, in the room alone, not knowing when Alex steps in to contemplate his next visit. 

“You’re not going to the office?” She said, putting her purse on the back of the bedroom door.

Crippling fear took over him, he closed the book and re-collected his thoughts quickly as he could. While she jumped on the bed, easily behind him to wrap her arms around him and fondle his shirt a bit. 

“No, no need to today.” 

“Not for a bit a research?” He said with a bit of curious input. What would he say in return exactly, but he gave off that half smile and seemed annoyed. Not to be mean but so she’d leave and he could hide his book. Unfortunately, not possible.

“So, what is that in your hand?”

Luckily, his hands were big enough, his fingers covering the title. Hopefully she doesn’t questions him, he had to think about it so he didn’t stutter. 

“It’s just a book, I don’t know who it’s by but someone gave it me.”

Indeed, someone did. 

“Can I see it?” She asked, trying to tug it out of his hand playfully.

“No, actually this book is for that research I’ve been working on.”

Standing up and she soon follows. Easy herself in front of him, it’s morning, no kid, no anything and how she touches Seth wants to make it known she’s like to do some things.

“I know you’re not going to tell me, even if I ask, so I leave it alone.”

He had a bit of relief but was holding the book on for dear life regardless. She insisted, on her tippy toes to bring herself closer when she crashed herself into him. Awkwardly, with his stands against the wall not sure what to do. 

His shame, this woman, the love of his life, supposedly would do anything but to get herself disappointed again. Seth pressed himself, away but not giving in. So sadness will only make her not to talk to him for the rest of the day.

“What’s wrong?”

He’s not into it. Such a chaste tone of body language and a look that gave away too much. Her eyes falling, face is turned and he slowly walks away. 

“Just not into it, not today.” He blew his breath.

“You’re never into it. Instead of just walking out, you can just talk to me.” She said, hinting.

“About what? I have enough going on right now, that’s all.”

“Work gets you too overwhelmed or too tired --” Alex caught herself, biting her lip. “You know what forget it. The conversation is pointless.”

Catching himself, leaving, again. Alone, to read on how cheating could be through words. Through this not so obvious form yet what was he going to achieve. Could he ever explain to Alex his wants and need to develop himself more and richer in devious acts. 

❖

His keys off the kitchen counter. Checking his watch, this time to be there on time and maybe a seat in the back. Night like this was making him feel like the creeper type. Although, his creeping isn’t with another woman but with multiple other people. Even if right now it’s about as innocent as it really seems.

Too late for an outfit change, this time he’d just have a henley with his jeans. He’s not sure if anyone would care but from all the leather, black, and latex he saw in one night makes him reconsider his options. Not just yet.

Alex, too mad to care and sleeping away four big drinks of wine she had earlier. Seth knew he was the cause. All day, he went out to get his tests done. Run by his office even though there wasn’t anything for him to do.  
House is noiseless, besides the tv left on in the bedroom. Just a walk towards the door until he hears footsteps coming down the steps from the second level of hi home.

_Shit._

He wasn’t in the mood to tell Alex, and lie about him going out was for _research._

“Daddy.” The small voice quietly spoke. While he felt a little relief. 

Shaking his head while his precious little girl was at his feet, hugging his leg and looking up at him with big eyes. 

“Where are you going?” She said.

“Hayley, you should be in bed.” He bent down to her level and ended up just sitting on the floor. “What’s wrong? Can’t sleep?”

“I’ve miss you today. You weren't at dinner or at bedtime to read me a story.” 

“You're a big girl now at five years old you don’t need a story.” He smiled but her face looked so heartbroken. So confused and just wanted alone time with her Dad. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart. I know, Daddy has to do better. I promise, I will.” 

He didn’t have much to say but to just hold her. Rock her a bit in his arms. Her brown hair wildly against him and for a second. Tan skin better than he father’s from playing outside. 

He wasn’t being the great dad that she should have been. If it has gotten that she’d dismiss her sleeping time so she could get a kiss from her dad on her cute fat cheeks. A cute reminder of him in a child. Curious, playful and always forgiving and she didn’t stay mad too long.

Up the stairs they go, under her pink sheets and comforter of Hello Kitty. She had boatloads of Hello Kitty items and Seth sort of scoffs at himself in remembering how much she would beg for certain items. 

He’d give her anything but unfortunately not enough. 

“You sleep tight. Daddy will see you tomorrow before you to go to school.”

“You promise?” She asks with those sorrowful eyes. His big hands cup her small face and promises he’d even cook her breakfast. Pancakes were her favorite and it was always a favorite for most kids. So hopefully he won’t burn them this time.

With another tickling on her belly, to make her smile and another set of waves of warmth to make her happy. A peck on the cheek again and again to reassure her daddy’s love will always be there.

It’s just the other parts of him that is questionable. If he’s really into his soon to be wife, what would he be truly hiding. Alex had her suspicions but wasn’t stupid. Watching down the hall, from the bedroom seeing Seth close their daughter’s door. With a jacket in hand and his phone calling someone. 

She had no idea who or what he was doing. Just left their wandering and when a woman minds wander, she suspects pretty much everything.

❖

Another night. Another time to lie, to re-focus himself and think if he was going to go back today.

Yet, if not today then some day again. He was dress for his night out in the club, put his daughter to bed but couldn’t get the need to go there tonight.

A hotel, he bothered himself with a hotel instead. It’s a weeknight, not like Alex is going to jump in the car with their tired daughter and come following him.

Since he pre-occupied himself with other things in the day time. He wanted to spend this time to himself. He drowned himself, in that guide again. 

The endless stories and expression in print on how to enjoy yourself in these playful acts. Yet, he’s continued with the constant reads on how to understand both parties.

Maybe he’s gonna regret to not go to another meeting but he feels in heat and doesn’t think tonight it would be best. Best to relieve himself in other means. 

_Express curiosity. Volunteer your thoughts and feelings. Be up-front about yourself._

He drove himself on these different subjects and then another clear example on how to do it and benefit the partner. 

_What are you doing Seth._

He kept on thinking to himself. Laid on the bed, against the headboard his back at rest and couldn’t believe of putting himself together by wanting to watch a few of the films he bought.

The mindful set again, how as teens or teenagers exposed to this type of thing is what some people would say can change you by now. Porn, it’s addicting but it doesn’t have to be. At least over his entire life he’s been exposed or have done just about everything related to his desires. Now and days it’s just seeing more acts that he was never vulnerable to. 

Seth wasn’t sure what to watch before hand but gladly he chose an interview section of the DVD before hand of the film. Tossing his notepad on the floor because he wasn't about to take notes. He pretty much done with that.

Maybe he daydreamed a bit, cursing himself that he shouldn’t be here, watching more of this but didn’t catch the blonde girl’s name. She was of course being interviewed discussing what BDSM is like to her. If she felt exploited, in which she didn’t. 

Her endless expression that this was like self-realization, and either part of the role you play isn’t because you simply enjoy it. 

How he smiled at the answer. If only most people knew that’s all it really was an weren’t so anal about it.

Simplicity, that’s beyond fetishes of things like latex and leathers.

The naked blonde even discussed more on how it wasn’t about violence. In which, her other discussions Seth was highly aware of. Pretty bored on the topic, he needed to dive in more by playing the exact video.

Turned the light off, takes his belt off and then his shoes. The television displaying the girl and her boyfriend and her rants about wanting to be taken advantage of on her birthday. She wanted it, as a gift, to be told what to do, to be on her knees and to be dominated.

Such a hot request, Seth thought.

It wasn’t long, when she showed up back home in a red dress, black heels, and the curly haired blonde was begging for her boyfriend. Where could he be? Since the rose petals were everywhere, displaying across the wood floor.

Openly, against the window she looked out. Seth had to applaud how realistic and clear everything was. Not much of an acting situation before hand the action happened which didn’t make this feel very cringe worthy.

Seth didn’t have much of an imagination to why the boyfriend would walk behind her putting some time of small black bag or casing over her head holding her arms behind back. Roughly dragging her on the floor into the bedroom. 

As it fades, the film doesn’t go scene by scene drawing everything out. It’s pretty fast, one minute she’s begging and crying while sucking his cock. You can see her grey eyes, dilated in the dimmed lighted bedroom.

While he’d bend himself over, mouth still on his cock and smacking her ass until it's very red. The tears kept falling and Seth saw something he remembered from the club few weeks ago. 

The man’s expression in the film seemed concerned, asking her why she was crying. Asking her if she wanted to continue. She cried from the intense anticipation, his strong hands against her bare ass and she pleaded for him to enter her.

She’s dragged on her knees once more. Ropes tying her legs, ankles, wrists in such an odd view that turned Seth on. Some way, how she’s spread open on the bed with every part of her restricted was a lovely site.

Sitting up straight against the headboard Seth wanted to turn the volume up a little louder. Her gag, saliva dripping in thick forms onto her breasts and how the man smeared it across her collarbones. He’s grip her hair, pulling her head towards him while he was fucking her harder. 

_Yes Daddy._

_Fuck me harder._

_Make me come again._

How she kept her eyes rolling, like the clothespins biting her outer labia and nipples weren’t painful at all. 

Dominance, it had it’s own taste for things to get you by. If your submissive will actually go for something you may want to try or what will it be until they’ve had enough. 

It wasn’t long before the clothespins got places on her cheeks, and her lips. She was so bloody red, the image facing him of her pussy becoming swollen. Seth might be palming his cock through his pants right now because her restraint body caused his blood to stir to his groin. 

Seth made a small groan and shook his head. Laugh it off because his intentions was to watch but not wanting to unzip his pants and stroke himself while watching. 

His eyes, glaring without almost blinking how her tight body bended over taking it anally. When the camera shows her face again, it sends Seth fucking himself into his hand harder. 

It’s her primal reaction to all of this that sparks him. Everything on this woman’s body is owned by this man, just for this hour perhaps. She seems to love it, as what she chanted over and over. 

Until the man with curly hair pressed his hand against her mouth, she stifled screams between his fingers. Seth hears the beat in his ears, that’s pumping inside of him, staring at her eyes looking into the camera. 

She doesn’t seem frightened, she seems sexually satisfied, for some money or maybe she’s used to it. Her body marked and taken by surprised into the kitchen and she seemed even more passionate against her dominant when the ropes are off of her. 

Seth was throbbing. How her perfect ass was bent over the kitchen sink, the sink was being filled up with water. Quickly handcuffed behind her back and she was laughing. Challenging her Dom, challenging the hands over her, pulling her neck back for a few minutes to make this uneasy.

 _Who do you belong to?_ The man said in her ear. 

Before she could say anything he pressed her face into the sink, she mumbled underneath the water as she was on her tippy toes. You can see she’s struggling, wanting to be release but doesn’t beg.

 _You._ She replied but that wasn’t enough.

_Do you want to come again or not?_

Her face was pushed in the water again, Seth stroking himself to a shaky breath. She seemed so close and so did Seth. 

She was choking when brought back up for air again. You can hear her choking echoing, fail to look correctly, wanting to slide onto the floor but he spread her lips open for his cock fucking her while he pressed her into the sink full of water again. 

_Fuck._ Seth grunted softly. He was heightened to the view, the roughness of movement and the sensual play of how he started to gently put her hair behind her ears. 

She’s dripping wet, completely undone and is forcing herself to orgasm. Her eyes closed tightly, until she looks at the camera again. It wasn’t pretend play for her, acting or not Seth could see was fighting to get done. 

Raggedly her breaths came in gasp, biting her lip from pain and with fingers inserted in her mouth to bite down on before she held onto the man’s wrists. He never stopped fucking her because she was lust crazed into her own bliss and screeching from the feel. 

The sound, of her thanking him as she was coming. Like she was speaking to Seth directly but his body, his cock, his mouth didn’t play any part with her. 

“Hmmm fuck!” Seth said with a telltale tightness in his groin, pushing hard into his fist as he ejaculated over his hand and thigh with a loud grunt. 

He was shaken up, leaning over until he crashed himself back against the wall. Shutting his eyes to see nothing but his own shame. 

His plan wasn’t exactly this for the night and he’s not sure if he can regret it.


	3. Unfold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth makes his way back to the club once more, endures more to his eyes than he ever planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is the only chapter of the fic contains Tom Hiddleston. I don't own him, I don't know him. 
> 
> No definite reason why I added him in here but mainly because I simply wanted to and to fill up this chapter.

He was back again. It wouldn’t be long before he’d make up another lie to himself on why he had to pretend. Like, as if dominance didn’t use to ooze out of him at one point of time. Although, Seth new comings of age wasn’t about what he wanted, or what he saw fit but for something to be more exciting to him than the average. 

“I guess I’ve been looking for something. Just don’t know exactly.” Seth said, while no one judge him. No one really cared, as long as he eventually does find himself is all they’d like to see.

“So how about anything new going on with you guys?” Amy asked, the bundle of people who shake their legs, tap their knees and carelessly look around to see if anyone wanted to add in.

“I’d share something from my past but you all might laugh at me.” Said the shy girl voice in the back sitting next to Seth. Her smile, wide and bright while she laughed to herself to catch her breath.

“We won’t judge. Everyone has their own fetishes, kinks, even if they aren’t the normal. Come on, share with us?” Amy said excitingly. She sat in her chair and wanted everyone to focus on what the girl wanted to state. 

“This thing, they call it Somnophilia. I used to be highly into it.” Her eyes, glaring Seth up and down and catching his reaction how his eyebrows furrowed. 

“You could be caressing your partner from sleep to intercourse. ” Seth said, staring to everyone in front of them who may not have had an idea. He nod his head as he spoke, understanding what he meant, because he’s been there before. 

His drunken nights, that would alway have him slumber into something he has no business in doing. Traveling up the steps and awakened his past lover with sex while she was sleeping. Talking to himself, unwanted and undeserving he felt. The low point of his life. 

“So have you tried it Seth?” Someone asked loudly in the front.

“No, well um, yes but it wasn’t consent. I’ll admit, you shouldn’t do this type of thing without consent of course.”

“Why wasn’t it that way with you?” The voice spoke out again.

Seth doesn’t know why all the attention had to start falling on him now. 

“I was drunk and not quite smart on sex and submission at that time.”

Since he was in a world of paradise on pills to knock him out and a tongue that could only speak sober when he was drunk. The circus of endless _’I’m sorry’_ , and _I’ll do better’_ speeches rolled off of him over and over. 

Not wanting eyes all on him, his head goes down wishing someone else would speak. 

“Well I also like to be turned on watching my submissives cry. I’m still into that.” The girl spoke again. 

The smiles on some people’s faces, especially Amy’s. She knew well, she knew how dark and twisted one may think arousal of another person’s salty rivers. Nodded in agreement, in the fetish of the unpopular sexual adventures.

“How about something useless, daring, something just for fun you might have known you would like?” Amy stood up asking the group again. 

“For me the most I can think of to associate with that is probably anal.” A woman spoke, sounded more sarcastic than anything.

The group laughed at such a common factor. Mostly, whether this is a place of like minds. People will still fill uneased wanting to discuss certain matters.

“Perhaps something random?” Amy asked but no one seemed interested but Seth always twisting in his seat. Knowing he could get a phone call at any given day or of Alex was following him should suggest he’d be uptight.

The tightness he showed, in his face, begging for a drink but there isn’t one. 

“Seth, what about you?” She asked.

“Me, my past with BDSM ….” He spoke, pausing himself into having to rethink past decisions and bent while being broken on underlying pain. “My past in this specific sexual desire didn’t play out too well.”

“Your wife, well soon to be wife, she still isn’t in any awareness of past or present?” 

“No, she isn’t. I’d like to keep it that way.” Seth eyes meeting hers, like no one was in the room. Like he could be sitting in the middle of everyone, blindfolded and not care what if anyone thought of it. 

Amy had this passionate look in her eyes when she stared. When she signaled everyone could go on about their business, have fun and he was still seating in his area. The eye contact, like a bird catching a worm. Her curiousness getting the best of her. 

“You know, you should bring her.” She asked Seth, as he was standing to her and watching her devilish smirk. He knew exactly who she was talking about.

“So many things I could show her, convince her, embrace her.” 

Seth felt it would just be another world for someone to judge him again. He couldn’t go through that, not again. With his own mind trying to say it was wrong but done the right way, it’s the best thing you could with your sex life. 

“I observe, I’m telling you. If she knew anything of the sort of me being here she’d lose it.”

“Whether it’s you telling her, she finds out, or you keep it under a lie. She’ll lose it either way.”

“I thought we don’t judge here? Isn’t that what you said Amy?”

“Yes it is but it doesn’t exclude me from trying to check your head.” She said.

Eyeing him, her fingers carelessly playing with the bottom of his shirt without permission and he stares at her nails glossy of pastel green off her pale fingers. 

“This aura about you, that you have, what’s up with that?” His genuine question, his tight discovery. 

“You think you’re the only one here who didn’t bring their wife or didn’t bring their girlfriend. The thing is, many of you come in this place and it’s not long until you come running.”

Questioning her comment, this darkish tone of her, this assurance she has. Seth was enthralled. 

“So in your case, they always come running to you?”

“Well of course. I can read out who will come begging in the end. Wanting what they’ve been craving all along.”

“So sure, you really seem sure about that?”

“The first day you stepped foot in here I already sensed you’re never going to make it to the alter with Alex.” Amy stated, walking past him and into her back room. As he watched her turned her body half way when she walked, winking at him. 

The saddest thing is if she was actually wrong with what she just said he’d try and fight for him and Alex. Instead, he gets a drink of water and finally wants to see what goes down the hall.  
The sacred sanctuary, isn’t what he expected. Yes, rules applied but the glamour of dark lights, eerie music and people with like minds. People he smiled with, shook hands with, talked with were in a whole new light now.

He walked further down and a small room on his left, woman of long red hair flowing down her back rubbing herself and that was just one action to see there was more back here than he thought. 

The idea, openly indulging in yourself while others could just sit and watch, mutual masturbate themselves if they wanted to. Ask if it’s okay to touch you, strangers delving into each other didn’t startle Seth at all.

Another room, past many others, he saw a man standing before four girls, some naked, some in tights and they were tied from their groin areas and turned upside down. The look of something so uncomfortable, imaginally painful could look beautiful and gracious to the eye.

Seth figured entering a place of whips and chains would seem people would be abrasive in some way. Not at all actually, they greeted even before the man started. He stepped inside the room and seated himself next to the same woman who was sitting next to him in the meeting few moment earlier. 

Her look, simple as if this is just natural. Seth had to treat all of this as such, something that is just simple and plainly natural. 

He watched how the four girls were floating around like they were some aerial ballerinas or something. Seth was in awe and turned on at the same time. They were so comfortable and dangled, eased with sensuality. One girl started begging, begging to be touched, hit , smacked or anything at this point.

The anticipation rising.

“Don’t you like how comfortable they are?” The woman whispered to Seth leaning closer to him.

“It’s something you don’t truly see everyday.” Seth said admiring her input. 

“You know, after meeting you the first day you got here I didn’t think you’d be back.” 

The smacks and stings he knows these girls must be feeling. Not even startled by the least when seeing how skin turned bloodshot red lips biting intensely. 

“Sorry, I don’t remember us meeting?”

“I’m Lexi, the latex wearing girl who spoke to you when you were nervously drowning your throat with water.” She said laughing.

Seth took the initiative to actually know, her voice was the same if he could remember, the suit was over her entire body he didn’t really know how she looked.

Although, Seth was staring at her, attractive to her, what seemed calming to stare and glow at her with her added blushing.

“So tell me something Seth.”

“Something, like what?” His eyes pairing together back at the women getting lashed by some type of rope with knots at the end of it. Flinching, stinging and open skin waiting for pressure and pain all at once now.

“How many times do you get to do this? Sit with a black woman enjoying other three women getting their pussies wet and dangling from a ceiling?”

Causing him to smirk and laugh a tiny bit. 

“Not often, perhaps not at all.” He winks at her and not sure why he did that. Would that signal for something? He didn’t remember reading that.

“It’s just, I don’t see how they still want it even when their skin is starting to tear.”

“Do you think they’d endure it and not knowing what’s the outcome of harsh ropes hitting flesh?” Lexi said and she sure did have a point, he thought. 

“So what is it? What is it about me you want to ask?”

She spoke, not irritated but curiosity. See, Seth staring and falling his eyes more on her than the taunting display before them. Her glossed lips, smell of something seductive but it was really vanilla fragrance with cherry blossoms. Her glowing brown skin that looked so well under the red lights. Eyes hinting and a special glint to his with pairs of brown eyes. 

“You being insanely attractive.” 

Maybe he was staring at her breasts through her crop top. Her tight stomach and black leather leggings hugging her legs perfectly. 

“I wonder if your soon to be wife would enjoy hearing you say that.” She said, teasing and causing him to roll his eyes smiling. Standing up into the hallway and he approach her against the wall.

“I’m not sure why everyone nitpicks at me. I’m just watching, just learning, it’s not cheating.”

“Says the man with a sudden hard on for bondage, gripping intensely to the sound of people who are in breathless abandon.” She spoke, with her face close to his. “I like the idea if she was here, a lot of people do because we’d love to embrace her.”

“It’s not going happen. How about you embrace --”

“Hold that thought sexy.” She said, alluring her eyes past Seth’s shoulder, placing her finger on his lips. Only when she saw the man with auburn hair, his all black attire and needy eyes. 

She walked over to him, discussing things while Seth was squinting wondering how that man looked very familiar.

“My my my, Tom it’s been a long time.” She said with a big hug, embracing arms around him and how he clings himself to her. Holding her waist and already drowning her with a look of want and need.

“I know I’ve been gone for some time. Movies and all.”

“It’s understandable but it’s also a great night to see you unexpectedly.” She said.

Wildly pushed into the wall, Tom was under her most of the time when he’d invite himself to this type of party. Lexi being the one to hold his kinks in her hand, her head and expose it openly with others. 

He didn’t ceased to crash his lips into her, tasting what he has missed for such a long time it has been. She laugh when his hands scope her frame and biting her lips sensually as he looked down the hall. Cornering his eyes to see Seth’s stance against the wall staring at his cell.

“Is that Seth Macfarlane?”

“Do you know him?”

Why would he not. Been invited to a few of his backyard extravaganzas but even people you’d least expect were always there at his home gatherings even though Tom Hiddleston himself didn’t know him personally.

“We’ve met quite a few times.” He said, dismissing if Seth could be staring. “So is he your new prodigy.” 

“Don’t say that, I don’t think that way of you now do I?”

“You could start but you do know why I came. I need you.” His lips pressed into her neck and she grips his hair to bring himself off of her while he smirks devilishly. 

“So this means you’re mine tonight?”

“For the next half hour maybe. Tom so happens to need his fix.” 

She remember when he first indeed was begging to be under her. It was all mindless attraction and indeed something to do and spend nights dealing with insomnia. Harsh things being done to so it can bring him to sleep. 

If Seth knew that back story he could probably agree.

He’s not too sure what on Earth they’re discussing but he sees the room behind Lexi they go into and Seth is at odds to what he was going to do while they were about to play. 

He didn’t expect Lexi to come back out, touching his hands and wanting to lead Seth her way. 

“Where are you taking me?” He asked.

“Would you like to watch?”

He’s not sure if he needs to include himself on watching two people fuck in front of him although he’ll get the jist of it later.

“Watch you do what exactly?”

“Tom likes it when someone likes to watch and maybe you might benefit from it.” She said stopping before they went in. “It’s going to be fun.” She said in his ear. 

While Tom already had a blindfold placed over his eyes. He most likely doesn’t know if someone is watching, if Lexi convinced him no one was there but it only drives Tom up the wall to imagine. 

The fact today it’s a man who actions who could be hindered by society will take it’s own view on seeing a bare chested, heavy accented man begging to be touched. 

When the lights dim red, you knew this room was occupied. They made their consent clear enough to each other and Seth as a witness. 

Tom was coherent, for now, on the lines of wanting to be flushed and undone with certain expectations. Lexi stood, with her whip in hand and pins to possibly shut him up later. 

_I need this._

_I’ve been missing being your piece of trash._

How he would easily make it sound so real, like if he actually thought of himself as literal garbage or is it something to stir blood to his cock. 

The chair was all he had, to be wrist bounded on the arms of the chair while his chest was exposed to lashes and candle wax. 

Seth watched Tom, squirm and grunted when the whip made contact to his skin. Seth kind of almost jumped after the first wickedly sting Tom had gotten. How Tom bit on his lips, cursing before Lexi was smacking his face and ordering him to shut up.

 _Make me._ Tom proceeded to say and Seth knew lines like that only meant. He was testing his domme. 

Always, a clever site to see. Or one way to feel completely tested. What limits will be thrown to show your domination can cripple one person. That’s all that matters, if only one person can feel you take them by your hands, cripple them and reduce them to a pile of ash. Just scatter their boldness in the air. In here, that shit was left at the door. You wouldn’t be surprise what will have you on your knees, or what will have you begging.

Seth eyes were glued to his heavy panting. Lexi had a blade to his shoulder, the coldness, sharpness Tom could feel against his pale skin. 

Almost like he stopped breathing, was the perfect way to _make_ him obey, to stay quiet and be patient. Where did that blade even come from? It’s shiny form touching across his neck and Tom’s sharp inhalation was making Seth almost uncomfortable. 

Her plan wasn’t to cut him. Tom sure did miss it, when was the last time he’d make his way here to just get his _fix_. It’s how it’s making his blood boil, testing his skin and makes Lexi laugh at his patheticness. He gets scared yet turned on to wonder if she’d even cut him. 

Seth leaned back in the chair, leg started to shake maybe because he was becoming antsy that if he didn’t want see Tom’s cock get rock hard from the touch of a blade.

 _Touch me. Please._ Tom asked softly. 

The sound of Lexi’s red heels, walking in front of him. Worshipping Tom’s cock like it was the glorious thing of her day. Indeed it had been a while since she caught his scent. Lexi wasn’t shy about being fucked on the thought of him not able to set himself free. 

The smell of Tom is what drove Lexi insane at this point. Her hands chasing and trickle across his chest while she moved left and right bended down in front of him. 

Seth could only watch, while his mouth is wet. Tom’s adam’s apple bobs while he pleaded that his cock needs to get set free. You see it, printing his pants tightly and hoping he wouldn’t make a mess but it’s bound to happen. 

Lexi was at it again and it makes her dizzy. Seth was wondering was anyone else not noticing this but him it seems. Scratching his head, how could he not be affected by it. How she seductively turns her head to look back at Seth, grinning until she proceeds to run her face against Tom cock again. 

Perhaps Seth is hallucinating. Perhaps he underestimated himself. Seth doesn’t know anything of Lexi’s and Tom’s perfect past. Strangers, and that’s all they’ll ever be. He wants to provide his body and she will stay there, adoring her most precious brand of cocaine. His massive bulge was seen to Seth’s eyes and Seth was remaining frigid as hell. 

He wanted to unsee it, to not get turned on by it. Waves of arousal to hit his own groin repeatedly when she brought a gag to place in Tom mouth and decide to take the blindfold off . 

_Well Shit._

Tom might have been frustrated, anxious, need for release. His eyes looking bloodshot red but incredibly turned on from what Seth could tell. This didn’t stop Seth from what he witnessed and what his bodily reaction created. 

Desires become stronger than sanity. How Tom could moan but yet merely expressionless. How his suffering started to become everyone’s entertainment at the moment. 

_Be still._ She ordered Tom. He was squirming in the chair to the whip again. Seth was odd to why he screamed it felt delightful or was this some deep way to say this is truly fucked up.

Lexi was using all her force to draw her arm back and whip his chest repeatedly. Tom’s cock pressed against his pants, painfully but you could see the precum taking it’s display now. 

The glossy eyed man who met Seth’s brown eyes seemed to be in some sort of calculative gaze. Seth found himself at that point again. Where his breathing was rising and not sure why he felt like it was panic. 

Sweat and shame mixed in the room. Yet, Seth never knew how a whip could move so effortlessly making Tom scream with pleasure. His brow twitches and Seth clothes his eyes to not having to see him stare at him in such a trance type of way.

He could still hear him, voice is dry and that must be from the arousal alone. Seth mind gets teased with the thought of what was so sexy of a woman dominating a man. Why on earth hadn’t he tried it yet. 

The sound of the handcuffs shaking from Tom’s erratic movements. The gag is still there, even though he screams, saliva dripping off his lips didn’t stop or make him feel shameful from knowing he was close. 

Restriction, being the best thing for this man. How this seemed like a dark dance but yet beautiful. Seth couldn’t open his eyes, with his head down he couldn’t see or understand why Tom was enjoying every second. 

_Choke me._

Yes, that’s what he asked next. Seth wasn’t hearing this, he tried to tune it out but you never know what you may want done in the heat of the moment.

Seth only wondered what that was it like. To ask to get something and no one minded to do it to you, even if it beyond getting choked or something totally fucked up. Behind these walls would be the place. 

Even though Lexi showed enviable grace while her hands gripped Tom neck, not choking him too hard but enough to send his eyes piercing at her. Damn near rolling to the back of his head because you see the utter bliss he started to feel. That orgasm that has his screeches silence from the gag in his mouth. The cluttering sound from the handcuffs hitting the arms of the chair while she whispered softly in his ear that he was alright. 

Seth couldn’t take it, he had to get some air or at least think why was he bent on watching more than wanting to act out his own concerns. There was probably a lot more to take in because he wanted to only watch. He wanted to feel overwhelmed out of his typical element and Tom is sure they both got enough of that tonight. 

Eagerly curious yet he stood back down the hall smoking a cigarette in private room taking a deep breath. The eyes of Tom’s will never look the same to him. Even if they may all be strangers under a spotlight. 

Minutes later, Lexi steps in to the silence and Seth didn’t even want to look her in the eye. 

“It’s not that bad, you’d be surprise other things he loves me to do to him.” She said taking that cigarette out of his shaky hand. “Are you okay?” 

“All of this has me thinking. That’s all.”

The unreasonable fear because Seth will get himself involved knowing it will only make a mess. He never fails to enjoy a nice sex scene, even one in front of his dead eyes. The fact that Lexi and Tom’s little event was just feeding Seth on his own obsessive labors. 

Where he wanted to bury himself between something or decide to let himself get fucked on the taste buds with memories he has never even experienced.

“Thinking about what?” Lexi asked. 

Seth took off his shirt and granted her permission. She thought he looked nice with the henley hugging his chest but even better now that he is bare. Unexpectedly, she can instantly tell the hint, the look on his face like he didn’t want to ask but she knew the gesture meant something he just didn’t wanna admit. 

“Can you handcuff me next?”


	4. Mirotic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth is in his own world that is catching up to him on certain terms.

Everything seemed foggy. 

Pills was slipped on his tongue hours ago. The sound of his own screams rattled his hears and he could only hear that for a second. The place, like he’s been here before, that glows the red vivid light over him again and again.

Like a slideshow of something haunting and revealing. Seth was remembering girls dangling from the ceiling but this time freakishly by their ankles. Hands out to reach him above his head and then he’s placed in a chair watching the scene before change into something else.

Like what he is seeing is not at a pace of impatience. Like he didn't have control of himself, that slumber again drawn into the innocence of women naked calling his name. They were calling him, begging to be fucked, while he couldn't reach and couldn't make contact.

The room again, fading, along with his insignificance. He knew this wasn't exactly right, while he was sitting in the black chair, in the corner, the view of tatted up men fucking each other’s brains out. The glimpse of fornication and when he looked down there was a bright blue eyed woman sucking him off. Not until she proceeded to choke, as Seth bent over wanting to help her off the floor, get off her knees he looked up being flashed with a bright light.

Hands, tons of hands, pushing him onto the chair.

_Don’t you like it?_

_Don’t you like it?_

_Don’t you like it?_

_Don’t you like it?_

The dark voices spoke and his eyes meet the women in neon thongs, sexy librarians, woodland creatures and some sort of evil like happy faces. The costumed party that was like a frenzy of colorful tastes while all the women dropped to their knees. Men stood before the women, all in pairs as Seth walked through the not-so-normal atmosphere feeling more out of place than ever. 

They were still, cold and frozen in the same time Seth turned around even when the heat reached his neck the room was black. Blinded by nothingness. Regardless his case, his shaking lips, as he just walked with nothing to guide him.

The room, it’s now navy blue dark painted walls. Some type of expensive bed, it seemed he was now chained to. The room making him dizzy, as if this already didn’t feel disturbing enough. Seth glanced up at his wrists and they weren’t amatuer cuffs. He’d yank, pull and his almost bare form would continue to jerk on the bed. 

Eventually Seth stopped straining his neck trying to look around him, in a futile attempt to discover anything. Anything that could possibly help him but he stared at the ceiling. Some things weren’t possible, not like it was usual to have men and women asking and begging to serve him.

The submissive always gets what he or she wants. You might as well wear the crown and own the floor even in restraints you still own your limits, desires and who can change that. Men and women on bended knees and cries pleading to make Seth pleasant submissiveness an option.

Seth found his muse, the comfortable yet strange palace of lustful adventure. The piercing and intense feel of hands pounding his chests, moans and bite on his chest and ribs. 

Before him he looked above, a woman whose face he couldn’t make out. Suspended from the ceiling whose face came in contact with his eventually. Mesmerized by her porcelain skin, straight cheekbones and long black hair.

Reveal to her girlish giggle as she swayed before Seth, upside down and all while he couldn’t make out exactly who she was but her voice is one he’s known for years.

“Alex!” Seth shouted.

He’s captivated, forced down to be revealed something so different.

“Play with me.” She said softly until his arms are free but he couldn’t touch her. “You know I’d like to play with you Seth. We’re one, aren’t we?” 

One. Together as one? That was a lie. Soon to be together forever but he’s in some psychotropic wanderlust that can’t decide if it’s real or not. If his life is real or not. 

No idea why she was fading, no telling what was happening. Like the silence would matter at this point. Although, it’s a bearable position to sit up straight and still restraint to no end when masked men hovered around him.

One space of monsters and entering a new view of ambiance with Alex and another man. This wasn’t happening, he’s sure it wasn’t exactly happening.

The sound of her voice, echoing in howls and she becomes apart of the darkness. Seth blinks to realization but the view seems to change every time. 

A view of her mouth being spread open by a metal gag and sets of hands holding her down on a steel like table. Robed, masked men, while they watch Seth grip her down.

“Alex!” He said softly.

“I’d like to give you all permission, to use me, fuck me, and make him watch.” She said, capturing his lost look. Frightened to the thought he wasn’t going to allow her to be shared.

Canning brown eyes as they both meet while she bites her lips with some man’s approval above all to fuck her until she drew blood. As long as the masked man could cover her face with his hand, stifle her cries, her screams and pleads. 

“No! Stop.” Seth asked and proceeded to get a smack across the face.

“Tell her Seth, tell her how much you to love watch. How much you want this?” 

Such a sinister tone, smooth and beyond to calm behind her endless cries and hoping the man fucks her deeper. Until her fingers dug through the robed man while the ends himself inside her until she stood lost in his eyes.

Her fingers drips of blood , smeared on her hands, droplets hitting the checkered black and white floor. Seth feels fevered, heart flutters and his eyes close to make it all go away. 

“What side are you on Seth?” She said. 

“Alex, stop. Stop this.” He said, still chained. 

“Who’s side do you choose. Don’t you love me?”

They have a kid so she thinks that’s going to make him think twice about his decisions. Would he choose the man he use to be, who he wants to become or what the future could look like. To run and be free under someone to not fully commit to. Why did he bring himself to this, lost not thoughtfully taking the other actions possible.

He squeezed her hand, he was able to touch now, to shake her and say he was sorry but she was reeled back up dangling from the ceiling again. Intricate view, how ropes hugged her body while she looked down on him.

“You want me like this? Don’t you?”

“Stop this. Alex!”

He couldn't deny with the sinking feeling that underneath the nose inhaling the fever-sweat smell from his room. While the sheets clinged to him as he arose from the bed. Not chained, not lost in some whirlwind of chains, ropes and sexual desperation. 

He’s burning up with the fast pace stance to put his hands under cold water, make a puddle and splash it on his face. He was fine but that dream definitely didn’t make him seem okay at all.

“Seth, are you okay?” Alex asked, sleepy eyed and wondering why did he seem so intense. A nightmare perhaps on something distinguished beyond of him. 

“I’m fine Alex, go back to bed.” 

His sour expression, despite exhaustion of his own mind and in his own skin. He wants to be somewhere dark but not in the likes of other’s he know. Deeply inhales to his own faults and more to come but not with Alex still standing behind him questioning his stature.

“Seth, why do you have marks on your back?”

He simply wasn't going to tell her how he got them there.


	5. Novacane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Seth's POV of discussing subliminally of past, present and possible failings in the future.

What I am told, what I also lived by is that you only need one. At one point of time I was at fault. Again and again in my own wrap up mindset that I wish I knew I hadn’t messed her up to. This has nothing to do with Alex and the future but it’s the past that riddles me something fierce in the back of my head. 

Lost in the remembrance when I thought dominance could be something self sufficient. 

My interactions in the basic life, I tried to create possibilities that went the other route when I thought whips, chains and blindfolds could do the trick. Aggression to be let loose freely with the way she’d beg and I’d serve her.

Who is _her_ exactly?

Someone. Someone I repeatedly fucked over in a crave of a dangerous lust. The only thing to think back on is I thought of becoming like the others. A monster, a mix between someone who wasn’t himself behind early morning smiles.

Alex will hate me. She’ll fall out of love and I pushed her to that point. 

I dwell on the time being, that it has been this long but the ending point feels near. Since I went back to my old ways.

Stuck on forgotten promises and hearing heels click down my wooden stairs and out the door. Again and again if it was useless sex or someone who meant the most to me. Perhaps, I don’t even mean the most to me. 

Within this dynamic, bodies can be lost just like your soul. I found out the hard way. Until my hands began to do too much and someone walked away. Completely without ever returning. 

If I was in her position I would’ve left long before I became undone. No tastes inside my soul while I’m finding the human nature deep within. If there’s any left inside. 

Now I fall deeper, someone who is bad and someone who has made mistakes.

I let the whips speak for me. My endless sleeping pills to keep my body together. The one I was with, would constantly speak to me, hurting, painfully with so much emotion. I simply was using her. I knew I couldn't do any of the such now.

Not now. 

I have too much on my hands. Say that I’m scared of what could happened and that’s why the unknown frightens me the most. 

Alex would swear she could get it. She could understand my current endeavors is only me trying to suppress my past. She’s frown upon my current tastes and unfortunately I’m expected for that to happen.

My wiltering pain that lingered through phrases and mistreating my submissive. Mistreating myself in the process. 

My drunken ways where I spoke too much and did too many things hurting that one in the past. To stay up and whisper to me when I’m passed out on the bed because she felt she couldn’t speak to me when I’m sober. 

She couldn’t help but to be desparate on and off scene and her tears were alway her expression to why everything became too much for her. I was out fucking other women, enjoying myself even if I knew none of them mattered to me. 

Damaging the precious gift of submission that was before me with everything in my power to leave me useless. Sadly, I expected her to come back but I got too rough to handle. I was heading to the obligation to make her suffer more than she should have. 

I think I knew for a while dominating wasn’t my thing. I think of Lexi’s quote everyday now reminding me just because I am the man doesn’t mean that needs to be my position. Even if I listened to my old partner tell me it was for my own good. 

We were good at one point and in the end I felt I needed to be sentenced to Hell and rotten there forever. Tortured and let pain be part of my every existence. 

I was kidding myself, that wasn’t going to make my way to a club every now again. It’s helpful, more than ever. I was lazy, lost in sadness at that point of time ago thinking I would drink my issues away. Whether it’s booze morning and night and meaningless sex, I should have treated my submissive better. 

“I just want to be better. You make me better.” I said to Alex when I proposed. 

She once made me see brighter days and now with no dark cloud hovering me now I’m stuck in trying to make my past okay. Would it matter when the other woman has never even seen me since she left. 

I remember all the cigarette butts in the ashtray and my possessions in pieces and me crying on the phone thinking she made a mistake. I let dominance give me an unnecessary ego when I knew I didn’t deserve to be in charge of anyone or anything.

“I wish and hope I don’t give you a reason to leave.” I said to Alex the other day when she saw the marks on my back. It’s obvious, I took my pain and let it linger on my skin in a position that she would never find out. Perhaps, it’s my punishment I feel that I need for the all the wrong doings I did to someone before her.

I refuse to become abusive, to liquor, to family, to work and to my fucked up world thinking if I closed my eyes after it all I can continue to embrace the darkness.

Darkness, leaves me nothing. I’m too old for this shit, I said it a million and one times. 

For all time. I was going to become better. I was going to be happier, support my child and the woman who sleeps next to me and may snore louder than I do. 

Instead I create nothing but assumptions that is turning her against me. I don’t blame her if I was in her positions. If I truly cared I wouldn't make tears fall down from her almond shaped eyes. 

How much would she spew at me, how many tears would fall if my late nights consists of sex shop bought toys. Me tearing my eyes open with people who are attempting to escape their feelings. Exhilaration to the highest degree that is sexually appealing to like minds only.

I’m sure all of that alone would prove she’d think I’m crazy. I’m supposedly not the man she met more than six years ago. 

I might as well turn into the demon I am from this human form and become too selfish to the fact I know the ending is coming. 

I’m solving the equation what most may think of me. I can’t commit, I can’t go on even with a kid involved. 

_You’re incapable of actual love._

With that in mind, I knew love was dying down so I tried a new game. A new position and it’s going to make Alex disown the fact she ever wanted to spend eternity with me. 

I’m drawn to despair, my own sexual desperation and to others. I didn’t think this would play out between us and I should've left in time before this went any further.

I hide behind blindfolds now. 

I am adjusted to my own knees being tired of bruises from hardwood floors. 

I feel more power under the pain than giving it and from my past I felt this needs to be done. Even If I miss fucking in the wrong places, being seen by other people and taking women from their own partners just for the night only.

I don’t know if and how I got here. Anything intense didn’t exist in me and Alex’s relationship. She wasn’t a good girl type but she wasn’t rough around the edges. Honesty was once the main factor but I’m lying through my teeth and actions more than I should.

She wouldn’t enjoy hearing me say how my lips tremble, I gasped from pain and summoned every miserable part of me while being ravished alive.

I never found it gruesome, to be watched while being put in my place. I just never thought it was possible to feel so much pain. 

My face is shown to everyone, my weakness is on display, my troubles are being told while I was getting whipped. 

The motion, lost in the trance of my past decisions when the whip made contact with my skin.

_I’m no fucking good._

_I’m no fucking good._

_I’m no fucking good._

This maze of torment, tasting the air and took it without any light surroundings. I’m the stray in search for someone to protect me so I don’t get loose again. That’s hard to admit, in all my agony and faults that have placed me and her so far deep. Hidden in the grass.

I’ve noticed what I treated my girl under my dark hands and mental disruption that she couldn’t see what was wrong until it was too late. 

I will stay here, I will try to find my own peace. Maybe she’ll won’t see me unimaginably terrible anymore.

I thought maybe Lexi or Amy would have minded when I asked one night I didn’t want to be watched. That was when I first begged to be hit. I was frustrated, I’m a coward, I’m hiding again and again when I should just let Alex go but this is only going to hurt her worse.

And for no reason at all.

I’m tired of moving, this almost arctic frost like mood to something has heated than the saharan but a thousand times worse than I could bear. 

I’m changing again and I can only regret when the day comes Alex is going to hate me. 

She literally saw lashes in my back, open skin, redness and joy. Because I indeed enjoyed it. Needed it and deserved it.

The first taste of it hitting me repeatedly was like drinking for the first time in days and the water burns your dry throat. Submission, so uncommon for the male position but I can say I been missing this. This might have put me in line years ago, if only I had listened. 

I can’t seem to straighten myself out. I’m curled mentally and underlying the pain for hours in the dark light. The blood flows, numbness in the tissues creating waves of white noise. Tickling my skin and I thought I had to be the sinister one but her strong force against me was reminding me what she did to Tom weeks ago. Intense to watch but even more intense to bear exactly what he was bearing.

The closeness, to get lost in unconsciousness. 

When my cock hardened receiving the pain it pierces my heart that had felt like I needed nothing more but this. Was there more to this dynamic than just any form of penetration. This is where I stand, I crawl and it's where I fit. 

Something so strong enough to dissolve my fear of being worse than who I once was. No judgement was passed to me and maybe that’s why this is where I belong. Again and again I’m tricked into torture and loving every minute of it.

It was a new light. It was indeed hope. 

I hate that this new founded lust that has returned will be the end result. An ending to where someone will get hurt. Not just one person but two.


	6. Faults: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex presses onto Seth to which leaves him almost doing the worst thing possible.

Laughter walked through the door. Up the stairs, Hayley was the happiest kid ever. Seth won her three gigantic teddy bears at the festival. The least he could do in the happiest hours before the passionate need of his night outings, he could make his daughter smile.

“Go put your things away and get ready for your bath, okay?” He stated with a huge kiss on her cheek. More than giddy maybe. 

Actually thinking he couldn’t do anything right. Within the different sides of his hopeful relationship that was failing in all ways. The non communication, the frustration and the constant attitude and reasonings why he isn’t in the mood for much.

Today he made time for Hayley. The cotton candy turning their mouths blue and sticking to their fingers but Seth was well prepared with hygiene items to clean their mouths and their hands.

Constant photographs or ignoring paparazzi because all he wanted was to spend time with his daughter. 

The day wasn’t about work at all. Festival foods and mini roller coasters along with the ferris wheel ride he wasn't too happy about. Even though he’s tired and a mess when was the last time Alex ever walked in on him smiling as wide.

While he stood in the master bathroom taking off his shirt and soon to be put in the washer because he got a mustard stain on it. 

“So you two had a fun day I take it.” She said, watching him in the doorway.

“Yeah, we did. Oh, can you start her bath for me?”

It was a sure thing.

“Could we at least discuss why you couldn’t tell me you two would be gone all day?”

Seth raised his head up to meet her eyes through the mirror. 

“Did I have to tell you how long we were going to be? Besides, I even texted you and you never replied so it’s not like I never said anything.”

Really wasn’t a point in arguing yet Alex, she was edging over a lot. A lot that would spill and not able to get up again. To fuck his perfect day up with her bullshit with some being unecssary and well needed.

“So you get to be the fun parent? Is that what you’re aiming for?”

“Excuse me?”

“I sit and wonder that you are hardly ever around. We live in this house and we share few words lately and you just take her to a fun day extravaganza like everything is okay.”

“I’m here aren’t I? Without you having to hassle me about me not spending any time with her.”

“That’s the whole point! Because you don’t. It’s either work or some bullshit excuse to why you’re not around. What are we doing Seth?”

“Doing what? I’m not doing anything but standing here hearing you complain for taking Hayley to a fucking festival.”

“So you do one thing and you’re going to be gone again.” She said and she was indeed right about it. “You’ll just always leave, claim you love us and then you just hide.”

Seth turned himself around after flicking his shirt on the floor a bit pissed off. 

“Hiding from what?” He said stepping to her face then he walked past to get to his closet. 

“Like those marks I saw few days ago, Seth I --”

“Those marks were nothing Alex. I told you that. Leave it alone.” He said cutting her off. 

In which he couldn’t explain fully, to make her understand, her soon to be husband was out spending his time getting whiplashed. 

“Why should I have to leave it alone? You can hide and not give a shit about me or your own kid.”

“Don’t say that because I do care.”

“You have a terrible way of showing it. You don’t do shit else for Hayley but one day in over a few months you want to shower her with things.”

Sadly, Seth had a gut wrenching feeling long before he’d never make it. He’d tell himself and others, a club event at late nights wasn’t cheating. As long as he only told himself that, that’s the only thing that matters.

“This is bullshit.”

“Why because it’s the truth?” She said.

Unfortunately, it was. Seth didn’t want to be one of those _‘dads’_.

“Your daughter can read at a third grade level, did you know that? She likes ballet. Do you even know he what her favorite color is?” She said in his ear being loud for no reason.

“Fine, I haven’t been that involved but don’t make me feel bad about it.”

“What else is it supposed to do for you to see you don’t want me. You don’t want us, at all right? You never did.”

“Shut up. I have never made you feel that way.”

“Oh, really?” She protested. “I’m thinking how many times you thought when I was pregnant that Hayley was never yours to begin with. Like as if I don’t truly, genuinely love you but you don't love me back.”

Was it his own muse to sing a song that made him try and fall in love. When knew a woman he was once crazy about was disputing him facts that he has fucked up. That his actions speak loud enough that he may not even want her. 

Or did he ever love Alex like he thought he did. Was this to past time of his last relationship and create some new founded fling that turned into something long term. Was it true, to a man who has never had anyone for long periods of time even capable of commitment. 

Seth always wanted to battle himself, his head, his fears and if it’s something to convince himself that his way of things were okay then that’s all that mattered. 

Hayley mattered but was he ever ready for kids? 

“Hayley means everything to me.”

Alex took noticed he couldn’t say he loved her though. 

She stood up behind him as he found the shirt he wanted to throw it over his head. She stared at him, he looked lost, drained and for whatever reason she edged on again.

“Why can’t you be honest for once.”

“About what? What do you want me to say?”

“You’re seeing someone else? Aren’t you?”

So he throws his face in a confused view and thinks why she goes from one topic to the next so drastically. 

“Alex, I don’t have time for this.”

While he ignores it. He’s putting his shoes on and she knows the sun is going down and he’s going to be somewhere that she has never heard of. A place she has never seen, she has never known 

This was the time to spend, to taste wedding cakes and more party favors. Perhaps, figure an official color for their wedding. She wants to be everything for a man who clearly doesn’t want to be anything for her.

“Just fucking admit it. Be a man Seth, tell me.” 

“And tell you what exactly?” He said. “Some endless bullshit just to benefit your theories, that I’m cheating on you?”

“If you didn’t have such strange behavior lately I wouldn’t have to assume the worse from you.”

“There’s nothing to do discuss, okay.” His level of irritation rising and you could hear it in his voice.

So he’d walk around hiding the main facts of himself and his faults. 

“You’re walking yourself into things you don’t want to know. Trust me.” He said, boldly. 

Ignoring her quivering lips because she wanted to be weak about it. To claw her fists in his chests and make whatever it is inside of him come out. 

Even in the thought she knew it was too much.

“How about I let you chill out after you give Hayley her bath and we can talk later.”

Rolling his eyes to walk down the hall even if Alex was pacing behind her on barefoot. His stance on the wood floors, the stomp down the stairs halfway until she wanted to speak again.

“You’re such a fucking coward.” She said. She was backing up her way against the bedroom door as he followed her angry like manner. 

Daring his eyes to almost not even blinking he wasn’t sure if she actually meant it. Even though he knew that is exactly what he was.

“Say it again.” He said, in her face and she fearfully couldn’t move because maybe if she tried he might make her stay in her position. “Say it again.” He said, eyes falling and his lips are inches away from hers. His voice into that deep tone that spoke it’s own volumes alone. His tone was far from subtle.

“You’re a coward.” She whispered, almost choking on her words. 

She meant it but also wasn’t sure why his lips were crashing into hers. His fingers gripped her black hair, while her hands slip to his sides and squeezing tightly on his shirt. 

Yet this isn’t what she wanted, would she just continue and tell herself it’s what she wants.

Tracing patterns along his body, he pushed her against the wall harder, despite her uncomfortable stance. His hands, moving to her throat while he grip her neck and biting her bottom lip. 

“You might want to rethink that.” He said in her ear.

While her whines were unnoticed to him and the disconnection that takes place he didn’t care about dragging her by her hair and pushing her on the bed. 

Her neck again, tightly in his hands and heavy panting is starting echo in the bedroom. 

“Seth…...” Alex said while her shoulders were being pushed and he made it seem so easily to rip her shirt open. 

“Seth.” 

Like the embodiment of his own thought and his own cowardness was always evident. Was he hiding so hard to have to get mad about a few truthful words. 

He mindlessly took his shirt off as well and she pushed her hands against his chest not wanting him on top of her. Not wanting his lips against her neck, she was angry, she wasn’t needy and she was tired.

“Seth! Stop. Please, stop.” She said, again and again. 

While he smacked her pale cheek to turn strawberry red and lost in direction. Her whispers and her whimpers didn’t matter. He hummed himself in between her breasts and she couldn’t do much but grip his hair as hard as he could. He enjoyed it.

The sound of his belt unbuckling, quickly and staring into her while he used his knee to part open her legs. He could hear her cries, for him to stop. 

His thought, his attitude, his stature is wild and she couldn’t bear to put up a fight. In his eyes, was all beyond lost.

Seth eyes were hazy, unfocused and his direction is going to make him undone again. Trailing in his old ways that this may be the breaking point that might just fuck him up. 

The strange contentness, the pressed hands on her waist and his cock was almost wanting to press inside her.

“Seth, stop!” She yelled. 

But it wasn’t the smack across his face that made him turn back into reality but his disconnection, his frightened look while he looked to his right. His daughter standing in the doorway because she heard her Mother unhappy.

“Daddy, why are you making Mommy cry?” Hayley stood hugging a stuffed bear and tearful almost from the misunderstanding. 

Seth is shaken, his face, his hands, he was shaking. Her marks on his chest, she didn’t hesitate to left a tear leave her eyes and Seth tried to wipe it away but Alex wouldn’t let him touch her. 

“Alex…”

His eyes closed and to open of his daughter watching and he carefully got himself together. 

Sated to no end and got nothing out of it. That part of him crumbling that he could’ve done worse in just a few minutes. 

This isn’t him. This isn’t what he was going to go back to. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He said, eyes scoping over her and the bed and not able to think straight or look in a clear direction. He was all over the place, fixing his clothes and saying he was _sorry._ again and again. 

“Daddy’s sorry.” He looked to Hayely as Alex held her tight and she was shaken as well.

The tremors and vibrating numbers on his cell as he needed to make an important phone call as soon as he stepped inside his car banging against the steering wheel and hitting his head with his hand. 

_Fuck me._

He’s swimming with happiness this morning, the next is anger and then meaningless arousal because he can’t be upfront with his own issues. Finally after the sweat began to drip from his face and time felt like it had became still, the person he needed finally picked up the phone.

“I need you.” He said. 

While he sighed and shivered with plenty goosebumps. Alex left runs to Seth, who in now in the car but he didn’t want to listen, he fucked up and it’s just gonna go downhill from here.

“Seth..” She stated as the window was rolling down. “Come back in Seth, please.” 

_Was she serious?_ He thought. 

He couldn’t look at her as he drove out of the driveway and didn’t stop her from hanging closely to the car and messing with his hands on the steering wheel. She was begging.

“Seth...please...come inside. Let me help you.” She cried, choking on her words.

“I’m sorry Alex. I’m so fucking sorry.


	7. Faults: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Seth's almost worst night, continues as he goes to Amy and discuss his situation and more.

In all existence no one likes a forced hand. To control unless you ask for it. To seep it’s hardening truth in you and it continues until you couldn’t consume any longer. 

Seth is touched, the fast heartbeat through his chest if it’s possible. Out of mind, the glass of water shaking in his hand and he didn’t even think he wanted a drink. The thought has not processed. 

Pain, hurt, shame, discomfort in his own body. There’s not a reason to be stuck in some dreamland, consequences can happen and in a blink of an eye you may forget train of thought so quickly. 

Even if the glass of water wasn’t shaking by any movement, placed on the desk in front of him, Seth knew he was way in over his head. He felt sorry and so he should be.

“Can you tell me how it got to this part?” Amy asked, taking a seat behind her desk. 

The tapping of his feet, his thigh shaking, the motion of his eyes not wanting to look at her. 

“We were arguing and it escalated. I didn’t mean --”

“How? What was being said at the time?”

“I took my daughter out, came back home and Alex got so out of pocket that doing something on my free time just wasn’t enough. She was right.”

His thumbs, pressed against his wet eyebrows, the sweat that is expressive enough of his current state. He’s a cross between watery eyes and stomach turning guilt.

“I’d never hurt Alex. I would never, I’d never fucking hurt her. Okay.” 

His eyes going wide.

_You’ve got to breathe Seth. Just breathe._

“I’ve fucked up!” Seth pacing around away from her and burying his face under hi shirt while he tried to take deep breath again. 

It was her words, explained to Amy. Her words, the truthful and withering note of tone that drove him mad. How was he going to proceed, well his his extra message was the ending and his banging on the desk as he spoke. 

This made just be it. It’s pretty unequivocal that this is his endpoint. 

“So you went too far. Way too far then you should have. Clearly, you’re lost and regretful.”

“Even if I am, I almost... “ He painfully bit his lip so distinguish him saying he possibly forced himself on his possible future wife.

If he went home, to not see her, his daughter would definitely not be there either. Her own tears or sorrow after the fact that left her in the middle of the road. Seth felt not okay with the thought of Hayley being gone and that his actions weren’t sex or remotely consensual domination but straight anger. Stupidity and anger.

“Come out into the discussion area. You can sit with everyone, perhaps a certain someone can tell you something.”

Seth wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about anything. His eyes painfully red, his hair a mess and it’s best no one would look in his direction as he seated in the back. 

“So we have a guest today, his name is Robert who he’d like to discuss about his actions after a not so consensual act with his girlfriend. Now they had an established relationship, about a year ago but it all ended on a bad note.”

“How bad?” Someone asked.

The man, who this story to belong to, stood up to bring his chair into the front and Seth was wondering what on earth was this going to be about. 

“I’m Robert. I was drunk one night, not that I couldn’t remember anything but me and my girlfriend engaged into sexual activity and she left me.”

“What had happened? To give her a reason to leave you?” Seth spoke. 

“She didn’t fight me off, to my knowledge it felt like a normal sexual evening. I was pretty loose because of the drinks but all I know is she left the next day. Before that, we always engaged in BDSM activity, we respected each other and I always did my best but she hasn’t spoken to me since this night.”

“Wait, so you have no idea where she is now?” Amy asked.

“No, I don’t. If it was rough with her that night I cannot recall but I remember it so clearly. She left, changed her number. I cannot contact her family because I am not sure what she has said to them to ignore my calls. It’s been months and I’m afraid she’ll say I did something harmful to her and I’m a hundred percent sure I didn’t.“ This seems tricky. 

So this night in particular wasn't involving any BDSM related activity? Just sex? Yet you were drinking?” Seth asked. 

“Yes.” 

Seth was bottled, he had no drinks hours ago and went into the deep end and he could possibly just start drowning now instead coming up for air and survival. 

“Robert, I only asked you explain your situation because Seth seems to be going through something similar.”

“I just don’t know how to understand his story but personally Seth could you explain yours?” A young girl asked. 

Seth didn’t like this, all eyes on him leaning and turning to see his wrecked appearance 

“Me and my fiance, Alex. Just talking, turned into arguing and I fucked up.”

“How?” Someone said 

“It didn’t even feel like anger, well partially anger but not anything intense. She said my name, she whispered it, she scratched me, she beat my chest even, and the only thing to wake me up was my daughter in the bedroom doorway asking me why was making her cry.” Seth wanted to choke, he literally wanted to choke. 

“Domination, the forced hand, the emptiness that follow your darkness, you simply thought it was okay to embrace but definitely you could have done worse. Glad, that you didn’t.” Amy stated, staring at him while the others stared at her now.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow?” Seth said. 

“You could have went far but you didn’t. It’s indeed act of force but domination as well. For someone who used to be in that field.”

“Field?”

“You Seth, in your past, I’d estimate a woman or maybe a few before Alex. You domination side took over.”

“Well, yes but not in this type of extent.”

“You didn’t have to. They’re still not here with you and now you’re contemplating if Alex will even stay.”

Amy was right but it’s not like Seth truthfully wants her anyway.

“How would you...how would you even know that?” 

Amy seated herself next to Seth. Her face,heating his while everyone would watch.

“You think I don’t know what goes down in my sacred sanctuary?"

Seth was so confused and foolish to think she wouldn't know. The anguish, determination, for a man to fall to his knees effortlessly and proves how he lost himself in such a controlling world. 

Seth swallowed, taking it in, his regrets, faults, the catastrophe he started but his own personal life, ever so private, out in the open with few words being said.

“I’d say it’s best to admit your faults, at least you know you could’ve almost did more harm to her.” The young girl said again while Seth nodded. 

“I’m sure she doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Seth said. “Drifting apart as it is.”

“Perhaps, you’re the one who doesn’t want to be in any type of relationship Seth. But this particular dynamic makes you someone’s exact whole.”

She was right but Seth has done nothing but fuck everything up.

“Seth and Robert both have conflicting stories, very troubling, typically controversial but Seth did eventually snap out of his state of mind.” Said a woman with her husband who was also agreeing.

“I’m not too sure who would fuck in front their kids. Forced or not.” Seth said. 

“You’d be surprised what kids see and haunt them until they’re older. The disturbing nature of what some kids have suffered.” The women stated.

“Well he’s remorseful, there’s a big slide we could give unless he was in the likes of enjoying what he did. With no repentance or hes’ just in the likes of Christian Grey. It’s your call though.” Said the woman’s husband, who was snickering through his beard and while everyone was talking amongst themselves and laughing.

Amy’s laugh, was more of a scoff at the comment. Yet she understood. “Perhaps, we don’t include the likelihood of anyone here, even Seth, wouldn't be in any way shape or form like Christian Grey. The fantasy world Hollywood lives in is fucked up and not compared to what we’re speaking about.”

“Christian grey? He’s not even real.” Seth said shaking his head confused as hell. He knew what they were getting at but didn’t quite understand.

“That is true.” The man spoke again. “You should be aware of how many men, mostly, use BDSM as a way to surpass abuse on their partners. It’s not right. Although, that film isn’t anything or remotely accurate to BDSM lifestyle in any way.”

“Maybe if they admit stating it was, perhaps having the characters admit their faults. I mean, not one time did they ever admit to their wrongs, it keeps going as if it’s okay and that makes it totally unrealistic.” Someone spoke in front of Seth.

“Unrealistic, how?” Seth added.

“Realistically, it’s sad to say some people suffer from abuse if not taught the real understanding of BDSM. This dynamic is fun, it’s consensual and done the right way you have a good time. Some suffer because they don’t know, they’re not informed because they don’t want to be.” The person said again.

Even in all of that, it’s the other half of men who purposely use it for abuse. Let alone the misconception of what this practice is anyway. 

“I wouldn't think films of all things would even impact a bunch of people to begin with. That book wasn’t even a great read.” Seth said.

“So you know the other majority would argue with you if you stated that comment with other people who probably don’t know what BDSM is, correct?” Amy said to Seth.

“Are you serious?”

“The effect of popularity, film, shows and books take on everything. The move is quite an atrocity but that’s not because I understand BDSM. I understand that people shouldn’t use excuses for the harm they do for others.”

“Not to mention the literacy was cringe-worthy.” Someone shouted.

“Well, what about other films and BDSM?” Seth said out loud while some hinted their favorite to each other. 

“There are quite a few good ones, great ones actually but I always seem to point out the errors. Not any major but all movies have a bit of sin in them.” Amy said.

“Tell me more?” Seth asked. 

“Well Seth you’re a film junkie type of guy, aren't you? I’d sure you know quite the list of good erotic films in the category. ‘Preaching to the Perverted’, ‘Crash’, ‘Nine and a Half Week’, ‘The Night Porter’, ‘Secretary’ or even ‘The Story of O’. You know these stories sing the typical cold song but many of us seem to love.”

“Secretary? I know you stated a list of films but that one. Even I don't understand why it’s so popular.” Seth said.

“Why do you seem to dislike it?” Someone asked. 

“They make Maggie’s character a bit the typical side of what most submissives aren't. Passive and just willingly submissive, in which people claim that’s what a submissive is, when they're totally wrong.”

“I’d have to agree Seth. Most submissives are not passive. Most know exactly what they want and what they want to achieve.”

To basically not bite their tongue.

While the majority could nod and give kudos to the statement. 

“Although, despite our other conversations I’m skeptical to what could be the outcome with Robert in the near future. Perhaps his ex girlfriend could hit him with case he doesn’t want to face and look into. Seth on the other hand, that would be a different story.”

“Wouldn’t it be best, not that it’s my business but you could let Alex go?” Lexi stated, she was sitting in the front and she turned around facing him. The view was a straight shot since some people in the middle got up into other ventures. All the while, he wondered where has she been in the past week.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s best you don’t string her along any further. You might just break her even more.”

“I’m sure of it, I’ve done worse than the women before her. I love her.”

There wasn’t any truth in his thought of “love” to begin with. He was holding on, no meaning and no purpose and his guilt swimming through his blood. 

“Perhaps you let go instead of making her feel whole when it’s clear you're lying to her every time you step foot in here.”

Seth, his attitude, his decisions. Cursing himself silently and in his head. He thought he was some type of paradise to Alex, and one point she’d never get over him. He’d be the worse, he’d turned to be something and someone she can’t remember. His promise to her already broken.

“I thought here, we wouldn’t focus on me. We weren’t judging.” Seth said, half smiling nervously, because the truth always felt uncomfortable. 

It was rotten, the love was spoiling on it’s own and he couldn’t get it come back to life. His remembrance was trying to be himself again but he knew it would never happen. Instead of fear he take charge, he continues and he breaks every time. Ever single time. 

“We don’t, but we’d like to see you be honest not with her but to yourself. Maybe you’ve done enough, hurt her enough but it will be more damage if you kept going.” Amy said.

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” He said, lying.

“If that’s the case you wouldn’t come here. You wouldn’t be trying to find more and more to be involved with and diminish your past if that was the true case.” 

“You’re so sure?”

As if Seth has a chance, a future, he’s already in denial of stringing Alex on over and over and screwing up even more. 

“Remember what I told you, in the end, the one’s who will need to feel the most always come running.”

Too bad Seth didn’t understand the feeling until later.


	8. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Seth's POV, he glance of how things use to be before he made things worsen and how he sees his time will end with Alex.

_Embrace her._

_Mistreat her._

_Mislead her._

I knowingly, was the one who ran from too much to think I could be new with a brand new smile and a brand new younger version of me in the world. 

Was my constant need of being self destroyed became my new normal. 

It was right before I even knew I’d have to nourish or teach a daughter of mine but I’m already not so great at it. As it is already done, before she was welcomed in the world, I took Alex somewhere cozy.

Somewhere she could smell earth and it’s glory and wake up peacefully for once. We weren’t anywhere near neurotic as we are now. 

I’m the cause of that but I remember once when she was aching for me to touch her. Aching for me to always be with her and she told me how much I meant the world to her. 

Her soft pale skin, as pale as mine, we shared the covers in the warm bed with our bodies ranking up an appetite for release. After, we hugged in the blanket, sharing ourselves and when the food arrive we settled nicely putting clothes on and back in the bed again. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Alex hummed something softly, looking at the delicacies on the tray. Pistachio nuts, thick Greek yogurt with honey and bananas. While I was wondering where was the food tray with meat on it. 

It wasn’t often I’d even look for these kind of luxuries for brunch. I’m use to being fired up on coffee that I don’t even want to drink but need it to stay awake or tea. 

We were always the silent couple before we started to speak too much on every detail. She’d eat more than I would, with a nice helpful of everything and she’d always playfully stretch on top me. Pushing me on the bed and even if her tongue still has a sweet taste from the food she just ate I’d still let her kiss me. 

I’d do anything for her but it seems impossible to try now. It’s my own fault. 

Where we were, the rain was falling, the sky was gloomy and no sun to be seen. It was peaceful and her stretched out limbs and wandering eyes taking me by something extra. We’d been talking, fucking, sleeping after midnight and still tired and resting. 

She has some sweet cooling strawberry body wash she wants to try and while she got clean she pulled me in with her. No time to grab my much manlier wash so she drowns me, covers me in this sweet sugary scented crap but it was her crap, and her crap smelled delightful. I didn’t care. 

The suds, the thousands of suds and bubbles and soapy content covered us completely only for us to make out again, spread her legs again and we only talk with our bodies and her moans filling up the steamy shower.

Alex, she craved any interaction. Twice as adventurous than I could’ve been and maybe that was always what divined me to her. 

She’d get dress, nothing fancy because we weren’t leaving the room. One of my t shirts would fit nicely on her and obviously it’s what she’d wear anyway.

_”I like your shirts. Much comfier.”_

I’d just smile, hit the play button on my phone and while it plays through my wireless speaker she was always finding something new about me. 

The music, it had some tunes she didn’t think I’d even care to listen to. With a surprise as she jumped on the bed with her toothbrush in her mouth scrubbing away she runs to rinse and starts laughing at me.

I honestly had no idea what this means at the moment.

_”What song is this? This definitely sounds like Lacey Sturm from Flyleaf.” Alex said._

That’s because it was.

 _”Yes actually it is.”_ I said.

_”Christian rock music, are you kidding me?”_

_”Honestly, if I like it. I will listen to it.”_

_”Wow, you’re like the most attractive unhip person I’ve ever met.”_

She was right. Totally unhip. 

_”Not like I’m listening to those ridiculous gospels and hymns and shit. At least, this music, these words it could actually apply to anyone.”_

_”Says the man who’s an atheist. Surprising as ever.”_

_”Fine, I’ll give you that one.”_

_”You know for an atheist, you do happen to shout out GOD a lot. If you know what i mean.”_

She hit me, laughing and I flipped across the bed grabbing her and pinching her that led to tickles with her grinning and wide smile. 

That’s how we once were. To take her outside of that big mansion life and it was so busy , almost messy mornings, boring mid-days and we are slowly turning into buzzy evenings. 

Fading into calm and then heated nights. I never enjoyed it, not like it is now. 

What am I suppose to say to her, when her eyes go dark and tears will fall only because I can’t deal with having her seeing me enjoy something that’s past after hours with the sound of pain.

It was like a slideshow but within days you feel the transition. There are things I could say, when I should have said them, when she’s cooking and cleaning the kitchen for Hayley, making messes and having a good time. 

I see happiness that I will take away from her because of my adventures now. I’m terrible and she doesn’t deserve me. 

I knew I would be back. I’d return, I’d go out my wait to feed myself alone on the water while she tries to figure it out.

What exactly is the ad cold song for past decisions and now I’m some sorry man looking beyond her because I went back into the dark again. Am I wrong to say I like it here?

Let’s see, when the sky turn grey and constantly stormed on us for nothing better to look for. 

I was out late again. Nothing an condone actions and no need to be cliche for the record. I started a new film, added another show and having a child was in the way.

I’ll admittedly claim it was too much. My actions don’t show progress I definitely didn’t get to enjoy everything Hayley did without my presence. So when Alex is smacking me around and saying I’m a bad father is the truth that I can’t cope with. 

I missed a lot. I regret more than I can bear.

The sight of her crying, hours and hours and no sleep. My touch wasn’t enough to my own kid. Her rose colored cheeks and wailing kept me up more than the stress of my work.

If I could get her silent only moments after, her small eyes would close and her precious head resting on my chest.

The man I am, women before Alex , I don’t think I could dream of a world with them but my future is already in the immense doom of wanting this forever. 

Hayley may be five now, already at a height of greatness. I’m missing enough as it is but my hands too tied to addiction that’s not facing much but keeping me at a calm state of mind.

_”I’m all yours, I promise. I’m all yours.”_

I told her to keep her quiet. She wanted to pack and leave because while I was searching for others I knew she was too great for me.

_I’m a mess. I’m a mess. I’m a mess._

I thought would girls of my past tell her something, run into her on purpose, explain my extent that I won’t ever love her because I loved being with women who met my kinks. Deep down, why didn't I stay this way then try to change.

Was I actually sweet, was I actually someone to support. I can’t think when and what exactly hasn’t driven her to the deep end. 

I’m more of the devious man she doesn’t need to know because I’m pushing her away. 

M dreams, my nightmares, they’re shadowing my own effect upon someone who wouldn’t understand.

I asked to watch things happen and I go turned on, the thought of my body in the same position let me cradle my afflictions and my own pain I brought to others. 

Once I steadily appeared more than once a week my knees were sore and my stance was still strong. Alex knew when my night of screaming wasn’t from enjoyment but because my road was dark and yet I still decided to go. 

She knows something, maybe the wrong idea but she’s not technically right. Her suspicions make her questions me and she has every right.

I have no right, none whatsoever to prove myself by force. 

I know the more I feel like I’m cage in this and so torn if I have to step to her and say it’s over. Alex begged, she needed me to promise her I’d never do anything of the sort.

Now things have gotten heavier, I’ve been asked to be collared some nights. Nowhere, admit, my mistake. 

Don’t I deserve to be punished until my skin is blue and I’m no longer focused under the red lights. The sanctuary holds me in the brightest light for judgement underneath scars, whips and chains. 

My safe heaven was never in the matrimony of some holiness and under some plan for better or for worse. This makes me worse, this makes everything not okay.

_”Why are you crying? I tell you Alex, I’ll do better. I promise.”_

This was just days after my proposal, and she’s in a white dress , drinking herself sour and was still competent. How she holds herself and looks at me with the most reddest eyes I ever seen. 

She kissed me, while I needed her to look at me and her eyes were dreadfully sad. I didn’t know what I had done a this time when we were happy, how did I get he lik this, and so early.

 _”Promise me…” She said.”_

_”Promise me….”_

Hot, salty tears, suffering echoed the halls of my house. The foot of the stairs where we sat as she held my hand, kissing the back of it. She loves hard, doesn’t she. I knew it, this day, she loved hard and I was such a fool.

She almost choked, her stress and worrying about something that didn’t happen until years late, I still remember when she ask me to prevent her from pain. 

I failed. I so fucking failed and sadly I knew I would fail and she has every right to act like she never knows me. When the day comes.

_”Promise me, promise not to hurt me? I’ll promise to do the same. Because I’m in love with you and I don’t want to us to hurt each other. Ever.”_

I’ve already hurt myself. I think there isn’t any damage that can be done now. My carelessness has poured into a mess of confusion and unanswered questions. 

The red light is shining, the sanctuary i calling, they agree I should leave. I’m listening to the hollow voices in my head and masked me in the dark sense I can’t escape. 

Hurt is already evident than one could see. A sensitive state of mind has already drifted away but I’m still here in what is a tiny bit of consciousness left. 

Soon I’ll be walking to an empty mansion, the wooden floors of my home will be cold. I’ll have to tiptoe my way of walking with whole insoles to save myself from freezing and being alone. 

I’m no longer the savior to be anyone's master. I’m not made for anything but the taste for a crave where the thread becomes undone.

I’m a fallen factor that simply isn’t the same and while whips not hit my skin I’m in a far crave for an almost dangerous lust.


	9. Ultimatum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this final chapter, Seth will face how his desires is a desideratum and it's his only necessity while also dealing with ending his future commitment.

There was more behind the painted red door, the hue of lights changing not only him but his image. Even if there isn’t a spotlight here there might be one showcasing Seth his wrong doings.

It might have been weeks with a weakness in memories. 

It might have been no phone calls and a need to stay in the office. 

To go away without a knowledge of being led on and staying in tack by only something to give him open wounds. He knew what he was walking into, he knew this was going to break him and bend him. 

Just his shaking hands trying to walk into his house was too much. The walls weren’t moving, that’s his imagination, his daughter wasn’t smiling or laughing because she was sleeping. 

Alex was in the bedroom, on her phone and didn’t know Seth was even coming. He didn’t want to speak, he didn’t have anger although he’s been managing himself for some weeks now. 

Alex was surprised, she wasn’t going to be the first to speak, although if she did, she wouldn’t have to hear Seth break her heart.

“You know it seems we should just quit since I’m sure that it’s best this way.” Seth said, only to find Alex tossing her phone on the bed now. 

He paced around the room, was he going to grab clothes and leave her again? Make this about her, like it’s her fault but he knows he’s apologized more than a million times for his actions. When she said, it was okay, if she could only help him but Seth felt helpless. 

Helpless that he enjoys his pain more than pleasure. 

“Only because you feel it’s best this way and since I know you’re a liar. One thing about a liar, is that they always get caught.” She said, while his hands stopped at the hangers in his closet trying to grasp what she said. 

“Lying? How is keeping something away from you exactly lying?” 

Alex isn’t even sure if her instincts were true, she’s still on speculation and doesn’t even know the truth but Seth doesn’t know that. 

“Because their is no script, there is no research and I know for a fact it’s obvious you want out and that I don’t need you to prove to me.”

That alone helped him know Alex wasn’t dumb, she may have been unsure but she thought she could trust him. It wasn’t out of insecurity but respect. Respect was only given one way in this relationship and Seth would need a rude awakening. Shame on him, for thinking his awakening has to result in secret play.

Seth wasn’t afraid of what she’d say but how you feel in a moment like this , there's no telling what she might assume and it’s unfortunate that her assumptions may also be false but yet true. 

“Alex I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry in all of this. All of it.”

“You think just saying sorry makes everything better? It’s not just the weekends but even through the week. Even I can’t bare to look at you because you are never here for me or for your own flesh and blood.”

“Alex, listen --”

‘I don’t want to hear your bullshit.” She’d just calmly say and it was such an anxious feeling. Unpleasant to her how calm she was before the storm, before the heavy rains and lighting would be settling in later. 

Seth wasn’t ready.

“I have to do everything for that precious little girl in there. When i could’ve gave her up, when I could’ve not let her have a chance but this.” She paused. “All of this, was it worth it?”

Just like that, Seth knees felt weak. If he was shaking it could’ve been visible, he wa erratic, he was heated and her twisted wicked tongue in this moment made things no better.

“When I could have just left you, alone.”

“Stop! I don’t wanna fucking here it!”

“Because it’s truer than anything you’d know. Think of all the women you’ve been with who probably are or were too scared to even get this far with you. I mean, look at yourself!” She said pressing on again.

Seth wanted to cover his ears, block her voice away from him and let his thoughts. In his own way to mute her out, he hears his daughter laughing and crying at the same time. It’s all his head but to imagine that Alex would ever leave him with what his own flesh and blood he’d never leave his bed. He’d be insanely crush, why didn’t she know this. 

“I could’ve given her up. I could’ve just, went away and had her without ever telling you. I could’ve aborted your only child here!”

“I know you wouldn’t dare to do those things. You’re too good for that, you’re better than that. Most definitely, better than me.” He stated.

“It’s nice to have everything go your way isn’t it? Come and go as you want. Fuck who you want and disregard that I have been here! AlI ask is for the truth.” She said.

“The truth?” 

Seth said. Afraid he’d crush her, the darkness of the room was enough. His recent encounters were enough with memories to realize his truth will break her. 

“The truth would only make you hate me more than you do. I’m not capable of what you want from me and I’ve been with people to understand my desires and my faults.” 

“You’ve been with people?” She said trying to breathe. 

“You wouldn’t understand and it’s not like that.”

“How about you just stop talking before you make this worse for yourself!”

Seth didn’t feel worthy , for his apologies, for his own self hate and things got too intense after sessions at the sacred sanctuary that he couldn’t bare to participate. He didn’t want to and not for this reasons. 

The past hold on to so many, the idea of his submitting because of wrongs and it still won’t make up for countless times he’s fucked everyone over.

“Especially from the past few weeks. My actions, they’re unacceptable. I just need you to understand how fucking sorry I am. I’m still sorry.”

“Sorry? You don’t need to be for something I wish you had done!”

That caught him, she sees him walking towards her, over her, and she’s in this same predicament she was few weeks ago. Immense fear was here rather than desire like she felt the first time. Seth isn’t understanding or hoping she doesn’t mean it.

“Don’t you fucking say that. Don’t even wish I would ever hurt you, especially on purpose.” His voice cracking trying to keep his look focus on her eyes while she wanted to hold back tears.

“Shocking? That I wish you had fucked me that night. I’m sure that’s only way I’d even get you to touch me!” 

She wiped her tears and Seth's eyes were scrambling trying to keep his composure. He’s done it, he’s made her turn for the worst from his terrible actions.

While she kept trying to force his hands that only wanted to comfort her right now as she fell in his arms.

“Look at you! This is what I created? You’d wish that from me? To fuck you when it’s not acceptable, if you do not want it.”

Seth was pushed away, while she smiled from her red lipstick and wiping her tears. Not a laugh but a smile telling her she knows him too well for some time now. 

“I’m jealous, I’m hurt, I’m deserving than the others in your life. I deserve way much more than this version of you that I didn’t ask for. That I didn’t fucking create!” She said.

“Others?” Seth said, eyes falling and she’s got this assumption all twisted. 

“Why don’t you tell me who they are? Or she is?”

Seth found this too sensitive, he might give her too much to bear but he could simply not answer her. So he tried walking away but this make him seem guilty but she’d stand there until he answered her.

“Who is she Seth? Tell me where you two met? Tell me how does she like it? Doe she know you already have someone? I mean, the whole fucking world knows you do.”

Her punches against his chest, he hands smacking his face as hard as she could. Making her look a fool if this was true but she was clueless to Seth sexual drive was to be used instead of using others.

“This is why I have to leave you because I’m no good. The thing is if I were to tell you anything about what I’ve been doing you’re going to wish that I hadn’t. How about you let me leave before I fuck you up more than I have fucked with your head.”

“Is she worth it Seth?”

To him the ropes was worth it. To feel it erase his past. Submission became cozy, almost like something she wouldn’t be able to grasp.

Seth knew she wouldn’t know what it felt like with that much drive and not have to watch from a master’s room. Not to create anything extra, fancy or glamorous about begging and pain.

“She let you fuck her? Right? Anyway you’d like. Like I haven’t noticed all those fucking marks on your back!”

Seth shook his head. “You’ve got it fucking wrong.”

“How could I be wrong? Those marks, they prove to me she must love it rough because I don’t. You must love the way she begs you to stop while she tears her nails into you!”

Now the context was way different and so was the feeling as well.

“It’s true! Do you like that? Do you and your girl have fucking fantastic and wild rape scenarios so you can fuck with her head too! She shouted.

“Alex…...shut the fuck up.” Seth said. “You don’t know shit, alright.” 

“Then tell me, why don’t you just fucking tell me!”

Calming to her ears but he was about as fierce as they come. Saddened, she thought this. She’s stayed up at night dreaming or thinking this was what he was out doing. Seth’s stomach is turning. 

He wasn’t going to pack because that was always the woman’s job. To leave him when he went too far, her expectations is ruining her judgment, her decisions and the things she claims. 

_Why won’t he speak up?_

_Why won’t he say anything?_

The floor, the egyptian wooden floor, that playful feet would run across will have to stop after this day. 

He walks into Hayley’s room, who’s been sleeping through her parents arguments. 

_I’ve failed you._

_I’ve failed you._

_I’ve failed you._

_I’ve failed you._

Seth said on his knees, against her bed and staring at her soft eyes, closed and dreaming of some place happy. He’s hopeful she only have dreams of happiness and not anything to where someone fucks that up his little girl.

_I’ve should’ve been better._

Seth was tensed with the familiarity of a child, a pattern that felt unpleasant to him. Hayley’s skin looking almost pale in the darkness. Her window cracked open, the air making him tightly close her in the blankets.

It was too common and felt terrible why he’d let her grow up in this house. Knowing this is where she’ll leave, a place she actually liked.

Hayley doesn’t know how her father has caused pain to her mother, or to others. She’s too young. When she’s older and Alex explains why her father didn’t want them it won’t be the full truth. 

Although, it won’t matter. Haley will still love her father because children never know how to stop loving. 

If this is true, why isn’t she enough? 

He might felt tears fall, ungrateful feeling that will haunt him forever. He should feel shame but doesn’t feel anything. not even anything disturbing. 

He’s stained his heart to only pump for it’s own breathless abandon once he knew this day would come. Like he’s weak, like he can’t feel but yet he’s burning. 

It’s quiet until footsteps make noises again, while he let her small precious hand against his lips he only wish enough would matter that he didn’t have it to be this way.

_You’ll have to choose, even when the outcome can seem clear it’s the makeup for a past that she’s even unaware of._

“Look at yourself.” She said, while Seth held his head down. His weak point was only this tiny version of him that won’t even understand this day. 

“You’re not a father, Seth. You’re not a husband. You’re not anything.” Alex spoke, voice is shaky, quivering lips while she was crying. 

Seth was as well. The redness of his face and he looked up at her. He grabbed Hayley to hold her, to smell his daughter’s innocence and to know she would always be safe with him. But Alex got a hold of her, crying in her baby’s ear and truth be told precious little Hayley only innocent in this and that was purest thing. 

As Seth was heavy breathing, noticeable while his tears kept flowing and lip biting. 

“Daddy!” Hayley said loudly while she put her big brown eyes on him. “Daddy! Daddy!” She said, again and again.

“Go on Seth.” Alex said, as she moved closer to the crying man. Lost in all hopelessness and eventually alone for god. 

“Come on Seth, she’s fucking calling for you. Why won’t you hold her? Go on now!” Alex said, while Hayley reached out for her father. While he was turning away and burying his face in his hands. 

He just started shaking his head. His brain won’t function, his lips won’t move. 

“You leave Seth, and we won’t be here.”

The crushing words, finally hitting him. He knew what she’d say.

These words were sharp enough to end him.

_Daddy. Daddy. I want Daddy!_

Her cries. Her screams. 

“You leave, and you won’t ever see her again.” Alex said. “I’ll be sure of it that you can’t find me. I don’t deserve this, Seth. So whatever it is that’s out there, that you feel you need to be or do that doesn’t involve us. Then you go do it and you go ahead and fuck yourself while doing so. I’m sick of it, you won’t ever fucking see me again!”

Seth walked out, after she could even finish her last sentence. While she couldn’t hold Hayley and fell to the floor crying and Hayley runs to the door, her small feet down the stairs to reach her father but she cries and Mommy cries too.

“I need you.” Seth said in his phone but it went straight to a voice mail. 

He drove, to a familiar spot, that is captivating his needless feeling to disregard his reality. Where is touch wasn’t the beginning but to be touched was the real cause. 

He made it there, safe, his anger wasn’t there but his emptiness, numbness too evident for him to feel. He self them behind him and in the car r outside to some other foreign place. The place that he already knows, doesn’t call for him to bring them inside.

In the Sacred Sanctuary he’s touched and broken in one night. He walks past people in their parties,public or private to make it past the group session and into Amy’s red room.

While he busted in the door, looking like someone who is ruined to infinity. Amy is standing above some man, who happened to be of someone he might have met before, in some past session but not too unclear just unknown to him at the moment. In every form of hint or acknowledgement Seth knows why he’s running to her and why at this recent time.

“Seth? Are you? Are you alright?” Amy asked, curious and bit ticked off why is he in there unannounced. 

_”Once you’d had enough you come running. Once you know what’s out there cannot satisfy you, you’ll crave something much better and stronger. Your skin becomes my poetry to imprint how you liked to be used.”_

Seth read, behind Amy’s head, he read that little saying on the most visible framed painting behind her. He understood more than he ever realized and besides the fact she’d explained ”one would always eventually come running.” 

It’s apart of him now, that he’s entered with the look of both a male stranger and Amy wondering what is his main problem but Amy knew the result to. Which is why she won’t have a problem serving for Seth.

“I’m not going to be the one tonight who’s going to wait.” He said, breathing and panting. Anxiousness clouding him and how he stares into the unknown man that this was well needed and as soon as possible. 

The nod Amy gave him, that the man would have to wait his turn even if his was by appointment. Grabbing his suit jacket and walking away. So it’s true, once you’ve had your fun in the Sacred Sanctuary you might just need to broaden your horizons and explain in the dirtiest of way to Amy why you shall fall before her too.

Although this was much different. Pain ruined Seth and guilt within his own judgement fucked him up before anything else ever did. 

The quickness of her hand grabbing Seth by his hair, she was just about his height especially with her black heels on. His exposed neck, his helplessness, bloodshot red eyes and puffy to go with them .

He knew how to be owned, used and told what to do. She knows that’s what he’s been doing here, with other members. 

“You know in here, your feelings aren't needed. I don’t care if you scream, I just care that you remember you need this. You want this.” She said in his ear, controlling his head as she pulled his hair again, making his forehead touch hers. 

He was so willing, so eager but his sadness was showing. Touching her hair, her face, but she’d smack his hand away, Knowing he shouldn't touch. 

The seat was warm soon after he sat down, cold handcuffs meeting his inviting wrists. Possibly not wanting to breathe or even keep his down. Something else was cold, touching his lips and inside his cold mouth. He’s a sane mixture of wickedness with no time to grow.

_I need this._

_I deserve his._

He can hear crying. He can vision his things being toss around. While his daughter is crying at the bright moon, to why is her Mother cursing herself and the house she’s in. It isn’t until morning Seth will feel he deserve to have them anyway, despite his current doings.

Capitulation, it’s holding Seth down, just of the likes of something as a far most dangerous crave. His abandonment didn’t have to be held against him, his shaking legs and muffled moans didn’t have to send them away. His own silence to his future, property of dreams, it didn’t have to be this way. 

His past scars will re-create themselves and his madness will resurface. He’s cutting his own skin for his own past and present that isn’t even worth the pain.

He’s lost again and far much away of being past borrowed phrases and sex shop toys again. He’s underneath it, like a warm lullaby, it overflows, it’s been a common cold song too many nights already.

His eyes, looking up to one who will serve him. Give him what he wants. Something not sharp, steady, touching his face and under the red light , tonight he will fade. He wants to be touched, ripped in half, in the wind like soft sung poetry in the sun.

Only here, it’s dark now. Their isn’t anything clear, not even a matchstick to drift around him in circles. In his chaos, his vibrations are tremors that only he’ll feel. Every hit, every whip across his face, repeatedly across his back and chest.

Breathless, yet he managed to say, “Thank you.” As he looks into her eyes again with a smile from her.

“Thank you.” He said. “Thank you.” He said, softly as his head flew back. 

Again and again. 

He only sits, to wait or perhaps beg again to be touched. He’ll say he wants more and at the end of the day he won’t find his daughter or Alex at his reach. He’ll say he wants more while he’s floating, falling or wondering why should he have to let this go.

Seth, his sweat falls, not knowing where to hide his weight while the intensity makes everything collapse. His vivid red skin and lust is appearing for anyone’s display.

Whispering sad shaky promises that he couldn’t keep to no one and not even to himself behind this perfect facade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Since my account is no longer going to be active and this is my final decision as of April 2017. I've given up on writing and sharing content online.**
> 
> **I strongly wanted to continue more for this but I think I lost more concepts or scenarios to finish so I think it's best to leave this to ideation. Please note, none of my fics reflect Seth in any way. He was always a mere add-on for which all my fics and concepts were made months before I decided to include him in them and put them on the internet. I don't write anything fantasy-like I always enjoyed trying to make them blatant and realistic as possible.**
> 
> **Thank you to anyone who has read my fics as well. Thank you it will always be greatly appreciated.**


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